love to chat

Hear my cry oh Lord

2007-03-21T19:14:00.000-07:00

Hello,

I have been blessed so much lately it has been awesome. Although many people wouldn't consider a lung cancer diagnosis and a divorce a blessing. I am learning not to look at those two "tornados" if you will "the storm" instead to keep my eye on Jesus. God is bringing me closer and closer everyday. It is amazing and I love what it is doing for my kids as well. I so appreciate everyone's prayer.
I have a need and I am going to post all the information Monday, but I am asking everyone to be in prayer about it in the meantime. My medical expenses and legal fees have been astrnomical and when praying to God about what to do I feel like I was lead to open an account used solely for those two things. I was in the middle of doing that when God said don't forget to spread the word. There are people who can donate to your fund. If you don't ask you rob other people of an opportunity to help. So, I am going to send out a blog and notes or letters to the family if you will and let them know what I am doing and I am believing that God will meet all these needs (especially the medical stuff) and I can not have that additional stress in my life.
As I walk through my life right now please know that God is with me and walking every step of it with me. I know things look and sound grim to some, but I see it as an opportunity for real growth to continue. Pray Jesus.
Michelle

life

2007-03-18T21:50:00.000-07:00

Hello,
It is very late Saturday night here, but I knew tomorrow would be busy and so I wanted to blog a quick note. I bet you all think I am the biggest prayer request beggar every known to man. :) Tomorrow morning I take my daughter to get her permanent driver's liscense please keep favor over her as she goes. She has come a long way, but parallel parking is a cannot. At least she tries and maybe her great smile will carry her through yet again.
I got the great news from the courts so this is my first week, not to have to think about what is happening marriage wise. However, I am going to post later about possible donations or ideas on how to raise money to pay my bills both medical and legal. If you have any ideas let me know and I will send my email your way. I am opening an account in the morning for people to donate for anyone who is interested. Every dollar helps. I know this is all so expensive, but I also know it is worth the fight to keep my kids in their home.
I conquered a huge task this week. I had some free card coupons I wasn't able to use, because card shopping is very intense for me they have to be perfect. Anyway, I finally went to Hallmark and used them. I bought cards. Well, I picked some anyway. It was something I used to do all the time, but had too many marriage reminders so I had been holding back. It was just one more area God freed me for this interim time.
Continue to pray Kevin has God's will in his life and I know he has to hit rock bottom so let it happen fast because I hate the way things are for him and us. I pray his parents get out of the picture and quit helping him so he can reach for the Lord only. Pray healing on our relationship whatever that is I definitely want God's will not mine. Everytime I get mine I feel like I am a baby Christian learning all over again what I failed to learn the first time.
It is becoming spring and I am moving from my spiritual winter into a new beginning spiritual springtime. Thank you God for carrying me through all this stuff. Help me to focus on you and thank you in advance for the financial blessings I have already gotten and for the attorney and medical fees that soon will be done.
Blessings,
Michelle

Results

2007-03-17T20:45:00.000-07:00

Well, we went to court and it took twice to get his attorney to show up. However, he did and he did it with a vengence. He tore me up on the stand, but through the strength of the Lord I was able to stay composed until I got in the car with my mother. The biggest thing is he tried to make tithing seem unreasonable as a way to spend my money. He brought up the November event that occurred in my life. He was ruthless, I now know why it is that many victims choose not to press charges it is too hard on them. Still, God carried me through.

As I went home the night of court (the judge hadn't made his decisions yet) I felt restless and I decided to fast. Not of food but of sleep and I told the Lord even though I worked the next day I knew if I spent the night in the word he would be faithful and help me through it all. I went to work and surely enough the judge made his temporary order and I came out quite a bit better off then I even asked for, however, now the attorney wants his fees to date. Amere 4,000.00 and I have nothing because support doesn't really start until April 1st. Not to mention there were a lot of bills Kevin didn't pay that are late and they want more money etc. I still know that I can't worry about this money and God has given me a few ideas on how to raise it, but I am waiting on his timing. For now I can relax with where we are in Divorce court, but please know I am holding steadfast to the words God has given me as the kids and I continue through life where we are at the moment.

Thank you all for your prayers and maybe now that things have slowed down for the moment just maybe I can blog a little more faithfully.

Michelle

one day in his courts

2007-03-12T19:31:00.000-07:00

I went to court today and my husbands attorney finally showed up. He twisted everything that came from my mouth and tried to upset me bringing up the event that took place in November. The judge gave us a talk about how neither of us will be able to continue to live in the manner to which we are accustomed. I was attacked because I tithe and that isn't an "expense" and several other things. I won't know anything for a day or two, but please pray the Lord's favor over me and the kids because this was a horrible day and I know the glory comes after the attack. I pray whatever happens I can remember what we think it should look like doesn't mean it will and God is my provider not Kevin.
Michelle

pray

2007-02-28T15:11:00.000-08:00

Life is so interesting. We never know what turn it will take and mine has certainly been crazy. I go to court again next Tuesday and I am hoping the Lord blesses me and the kids and favor is upon us. God is loving on me more eeach day thank everyone for their prayers. I will talk to you all before Tuesday but the minute I get home too. :)
Michelle

One day in his courts

2007-02-06T18:01:00.000-08:00

Okay so it wasn't the Lord's court but it was court and I am sure God's judgement won't be as hard as the people in divorce court. It was weird listening them to talk to me about a broken home when it is not at all what I wanted. Still as I heard the judge describe what happens to children when their parents are parents and can't be nice to one another I have to wonder where my kids will fall. I turn them over to God so he can help me guide them but have the ultimate control of their lives.
My husbands attorney was an hour late and that costs me for my attorney being there. Then there is the whole battle that begins. Long story short, we got the house, I got sole custody which in Oklahoma it means he gets them 50% of the time, but he agreed that was not feasible (PTL). He is taking them every other weekend, and possibly one weeknight for 3 hours. The money however wasn't as easy and we still had not reached an agreement at 1:00 this afternoon so we went on and have a hearing on Monday and the judge will decide. I in the meantime am leaving it in the lords hands and he will protect me because I am his child and I have his covering.
I am mentally and physically spent so more tomorrow if I can. Now I have to go around and look for all the details my attorney wants. I don't know if he is going to like everything I send but I can't help it. Please continue to pray favor on us and whatever else God leads you to pray about. Monday could go badly for me, yet I don't have that feeling at this point. I am praying for God's wisdom if I should just settle for 200.00 less or go on and fight for what is mine.

Michelle

PRAY PRAY PRAY

2007-02-06T05:12:00.000-08:00

I go to court this morning for the temporary agreement to start for the divorce that I don't want. Although God has given me a promise that I hold onto. All things considered I am doing pretty well. I know God has me under his covering and life is good. Just please pray favor on me and anything else God leads you to pray. Have a great day and I will report here tonight.
Michelle

ice storm and prayer requests

2007-01-16T07:30:00.000-08:00

I can't beleive the ice we have gotten in the past few days it has been crazy. My parents were here for a visit and got detained. It wasn't bad but two kids being locked in the house indefinitely with two grandparents who fight as much as the kids is a bit overwhelming.:) I have enjoyed the help and support but its been interesting to say the least.

Okay so the latest with Kevin is he called me several bad names and included in that he hasn't loved me in 7 years and that I am lazy. This is coming from a man who was allergic to grass so when we were happily married so 2 days after chemo I mowed our yard. I work out and walk and do many things and all he does is laugh at me if I try to remind him. He is basically totally away from God and sadly lost. I still love him (thanks to the gracious God we serve) but our relationship is sad. I will wait for God to restore us, but more than that I want him to get Kevin to walk with him again. At this point I do not beleive he will inherit the kingdom of God and I think that is the saddest thing I have ever been faced with.

I asked God last night if it was my fault that Kevin walked away to talk my life like David (I think) asked I want to never be accountable to pushing someone away from God that would really depress me. Then I asked him if Kevin is going to die an unsaved man I wish that I could go now, maybe that would bring him back to God. Then this morning the comforting Holy Spirit told me that God has told me in time he will restore my marriage and that I wasn't to take Kevin back before he was right with God. Therefore, of course he was coming back to God because God wouldn't have given those conditions if he wasn't going to do it, nor would he restore me to a man who isn't a Godly man. So, I had both questions answered through the night and then confirmation this morning I believe. Please lift him in prayer everyday I don't have a lot of strength and I need to focus on my walk with God, but if you all will faithfully pray I know God will answer and I will stand in agreement with you.

Anyway, the Lord has been good to give me work so I can survive while Kevin only intermitently(sp) pays for groceries etc. He is still obsessed with the money he left for me in the account what a joke. I have been in the hospital twice, to the doctor I don't know how many times, then there was Christmas and gas etc. He is so confused. I am not living lavishingly like he thinks.

If this ice clears off I can work the rest of the week. If it doesn't I guess the Lord will provide another way. I am going to my church today to ask for financing the attorney until the injunction is served on Kevin. I am not sure they can help but maybe if nothing else they can give me some work to earn it quicker. I need this and God knows it so please be in prayer about this too. Not to mention getting out on these roads is scarey. I grew up in Colorado they cleared the roads and it was snow not ice, it isn't quite that way here. UGH! Thank the Lord school should be back in session tomorrow. Please God let your will reign.

See you later.
Michelle

God is Good

2007-01-03T11:25:00.000-08:00

I had a rough New Years Eve, but I am happy that everything is new. The Lord has given me a number of words and signs telling me to walk in faith not by sight and I pray this year I learn that better than ever before. Not because I am up for trials, but because I hate what I see so much. I love that man I married with all my heart, I just wonder what this new guy did with him. Things are nuts and yet we go on. I feel upbeat today and went back to work part of the day, it was scarey, but it was also good. Keep us in your prayers, tomorrow night we have family counseling and that is always emotionally draining. Have a great day. Thanks for the prayers and please keep on praying.

Michelle

crazy

2006-12-31T11:51:00.000-08:00

The wildest thing happened to me today. I had a tough day at times yesterday, but the Lord kept me moving forward. I kept asking for a sign or something that would tell me what to do and so anyway, I was getting ready for church this morning and I ran back into the house to get a notebook for the paper and I grabbed the first one I saw. I had to look in it because I never know if my 10 year old angel will have used all the paper or not. Anyway, I opened it and saw a receipt so I took it out to look at it and it was the receipt to when I went to Las Vegas and married my hubby. We had a wedding later but we went ot Vegas in order to marry and not live in sin before the wedding. Anyway, it was a receipt to the church and the cost of the wedding it was really bizarre and such a blessing from God. I don't know what it means just yet and things aren't changing as far as the eyes can see, but I know God did that because that was in Dec. of 1994 why else would I still have a spiral and that receipt except for God. It was amazing and God is so good.

Happy New Years Eve to everyone we will be staying in and safe adn watching tv on my bed tonight. Pray for our finances I need to come up with 1,200 to pay for the first attorney fees and after that they will file an injunction Kevin to pay the rest. I don't want to file for divorce so I am filing for a legal seperation so he has to give us money. He is paying the bills but giving us nothing right now as far as cash goes. So, I have to take care of myself and the kids. Please pray God tells me how to get that together. Thanks everyone.

Still kicking

2006-12-30T22:46:00.000-08:00

Hi all,
It has been awhile I know. Life is full of so many changes and sometimes time gets away from me. I am not going to lie and say I haven't dealt with some depression I have. Well, let me restate that, God has been carrying me through different days of depression. Still the depression is being dealt with big time.
A man at my church gave me some great advice, that I should pray for myself and my kids and allow the church and friends and bloggers lift up my husband. That way I don't have to focus on his lifestyle and choices. I would ask you all pray that God reveals himself and that K's heart is softened enough to hear him. He has walked completely away from the Lord.
However, as we know God will turn all things that are meant for bad into good. Things are scarey but through this I have learned more and more exactly what trusting what I can't see is really about. God is growing me in my walk with him everyday. I am more aware of my spirit then ever before and many other things are taking place in my life. I still goof up and I call people for prayer when I am weak but I am up and kicking. I would love to kick that man, but I am trying not to expend that kind of energy on him. Don't get me wrong I still love him very very much and I am devastated that Satan is destroying my marriage, but I know this isn't about me and Kevin it is much bigger. I also know that God is even bigger and when this is all done my only prayer is that the result glorifies him and doesn't horrify him. If you know what I mean.
I can only be responsible for me but I am asking each and every one of you to lift Kevin up in prayer. I am not asking my marriage me restored, I am asking for God's will. Now I believe God's will is that someday we reunite I can't sit and wait there is too much to be done. I will be going to court soon and I want to keep my house and get a lot of support from Kevin financially I believe it is a consequence for his choices. His new lady is only out for money and the less he has the easier it will be for her to continue in her past lifestyle. She only stays til the money is gone.
Please pray I am a light in the world especially in all I do in front of my kids and my soon to be ex-husband. It isn't what I want but I can't stand in God's way and he can't work on Kevin when he doesn't want to be worked on and as long as I am in the picture with our spirits clashing on almost every visit. He has pretty much stopped seeing the kids although he says he will come on his weekend, he never can so the kids are getting used to it already but I want all of them lifted in prayer. I want to know on the days I am too weak to remember everything that you all have us on every prayer chain in America so not one minute of one day goes by that he isn't being prayed for. I no longer pray for protection for him I pray for revelation. Understand he has told me I was a mistake and I am his enemy that this adultery is God's will then in the same sentence he tells my kids he knows he is walking with the Devil.
Still I know that God is with me like never before and I am so grateful to everyone for their prayers and love. Please keep it up because the war we are in will most likely get bigger before it gets better and as I look to Jesus I need all teh support we can get. I know my thoughts still aren't very organized but there is a bunch at once and as I write more Monday I hope to start becoming clearer again.
Good night!

who knows

2006-11-15T22:06:00.000-08:00

A prophet spoke at a revival at church tonight my daughter went I didn't and he doesn't know us he is from another part of the world and he said your family is being kicked while it is down, but God will gel you back together again. He didn't say what we would go through or how long it would take but he said God would.

Then I talked to Kevin and he told me he couldn't take it anymore he was leaving me, He already had taken his check out of the bank this morning. I still have money to get by with and he says he will take care of us, but he also said he would never leave. I am not sure what to do right now but God and the Holy spirit are guiding me in my every move.

Please pray because this is not what I want and I am so saddened by it I can't tell you. I know God brought us together I can't believe he doesn't. I am so scared. My son can't believe this is happening to him and neither can I. Lord please lift these burdens.

Til Death do us part

2006-11-15T14:17:00.000-08:00

Okay, so all of you who read my sister's blog now know that I fell. I lost something I am not sure what it is. I know I have God and I so badly wanted to be in his arms, not having to face my mistakes or mess up my kids or my husband anymore. At the time it did seem like it was a good idea. Shortly after I took the pills on a system full of Vodka I felt my pressure begin to drop and I told my husband who had watched me take them that I didn't want to die, the pills were expired and would I be alright? He said I would be fine. So my attempt to get his attention or die or whatever it was wasn't going to happen. I am sorry I am sorry to Kim, my parents, my family and my kids, and a lot to my husband who I still wishes I would have suceeded. He says no but his actions say yes. When, he came to the mental ward to meet with the family contact thing he said he was willing to love me and take care of me all I had to do was ask. They then let me go and in the parking lot I asked him for a hug where he just sighed. I said you just said you could do that and he said did you want me to tell them what I really thought or get out of there. He doesn't care about me at all, yet I know God put us together and at this point I refuse to give up. Just pray for us and how to grow us so I can focus on staying well with medication for depression. I never want to go back to that place again. Thanks for everyone's kind words and prayers.

Wednesday

2006-11-08T08:55:00.000-08:00

I am taking control of my life again and let me tell you it isn't pretty. I am not even talking about the 50 plus pounds I am going to lose. I am talking about how it seems I have either lost sight of God's plans for me or I have such a good look it seems too much to bear giving me the desire to get out while the getting is good.

Here are the things I did only work two days this week and I am walking the track with my son at lunch getting us both in better shape. I know God put kevin and I together and I have to believe in Jer 29:11 and know that I want Kevin back but God knows what is best for us both and he loves us both so it is possible for now I can't have him back. I mean we are still married and saying divorce isn't an option but it isn't a happy place when he is here. I am happy because I am with him and he hates that I guess he feels responsible for me or something. Who knows and frankly I don't care so it is a good thing God does because he is shutting every other thing and person out. I know my goal as a wife is to please my father and the things I do have to be based in that. I am to be a loving wife, but I also have to stay in God's will and the things Kevin wants right now aren't there or even close. I have to follow my God and not his confusion. I am sad for him and it is so hard to be nice when he is a jerk, but I know when I am I am a joy to my father and I must stay in that. Remembering that all I do on earth is for God, not me not Kevin and not anyone else. This is very difficult for me, but I am doing it every day. Not in every task most likely but a little more each day and maturing in his love.

I have lost sight of my dreams and stuff right now but I think this tragedy is bringing me closer to the kids every day. I know this isn't even close to over and sometimes trials go on for years but with the love of God I will make it through one way or another. Please pray for Friday we have marriage counseling and I have to tell her about his threats of suicide and his comments. I know this will upset him but I lost one friend because no one spoke of her silly thoughts and I won't lose my husband to death. If he leaves me I guess I will survive but I won't live with his death on my shoulders because I thought he would be fine. Nothing is at it seems and not telling seems like my worst enemy right now. I am scared, he could lose his job, he will probably leave me at least for a little while, they could hospitalize him making our income nill, but I can't let him kill himself because of my selfish fears. God protect us and help him to be real Friday. I am patiently awaiting his touch in my married life.

Thanks everyone. By the way it was a tumor but it is not malignant this time! PTL!

MADE IT!

2006-11-02T12:44:00.000-08:00

I made it to another day! How exciting. I mean things in my life are crazy but I didn't make it to today and that is something for me to rejoice in right now. My husband was here last night and was actually civil to both me and the kids.

My daughter became proactvie and when he left for work this morning she went to him and hugged him and said I love you dad. She did this because she knew he wouldn't and she needed him to know and maybe he needed to know. I am not sure what is in their relationship but I know it is crazy.

God gave me a revelation this morning that if I stay in love, rooted in love that it doesn't matter where my hubby's hurts are from God can heal them and he can use me as a tool. It isn't easy I will confess, but nothing worth doing or having usually is easy. So, for today not only did I make it but I am lifted in God's love and blessing and I am believing in the power of God and the Holy Spirit and I know today will be good.

Let go Let God cont...

2006-11-01T11:47:00.000-08:00

Well interestingly enough and as we all know God is always at work. Don't get me wrong all of my lifes crisis are the same, but I see God in everyday. Last week my sister wrote about letting go and letting God and I decided to follow her lead, then at Bible Study Sunday night we were asked what stuck out in the chapter to us the most and my hubby said I guess it was when he was talking about letting God handle things, he went on to say it is the old saying let go let God that comes to mind. It was so wild. For a moment I thought maybe he had been on my blog. He isn't changing fast enough for me, but I know God is shaking him and us so he can perfect our relationship with him and then with each other. I hope we start learning quicker because this has been awful. Not only am I in the wilderness I am there without my best friend to talk to about the trials I encounter.

I pray in the spirit much more than ever before and take rest in that comforter God provided. One day I was doing it so much while my son was there I explained to him what it was. Later, that week he came to me and said are you still talking to the spirit world? I had to laugh, I explained again what that is about and he said well I think it is working dad seemed nicer to me today and he didn't even yell at you. It was so precious.

Keep us in your thoughts and prayer I know I am in a battle in my mind along with the spiritual things around us, because like alcoholics take one day at a time and never promise tomorrow,,,I am taking life one day at a time and right now I can't promise anyone tomorrow. Thank goodness I have God and a counselor here on earth, not to mention the love of friends and family.

See you later!

let GOD!

2006-10-27T10:13:00.000-07:00

I am leaving it to God this weekend! I know he is in control. I know he doesn't want us to be like this but I have to do what is right even when it doesn't feel God to me. I will focus on loving Kevin like Christ intended this weekend no matter how many more times he hurts me. God knows what the plan is I don't but I have to be faithful in my role in this and my role is to trust and do what is right even when it isn't payin goff. Please pray I can continue like this and I won't grow weary.
Thanks and God Bless everyone!

2 days in a row!

2006-10-24T06:31:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I have been praying in the spirit constantly and I hear my spirit man inside of me confronting my every move, unlike ever before. I try to feel excited I know the challenge is finding joy in the moment but I am still at times very sad and I feel very defeated. I know God has won this war on earth. Still, it doesn't mean I feel victorious in every battle. I will be crying out to God and continuing to believe in Jer. 29:11 and wait. By the way have I told you that waiting is almost as challenging as change for me in life? :( Well, it is and especially when it is something so important to me.

I know I am here to serve God and do his will regardless I wonder if I will ever live up to that on a every moment by moment basis or if I will continue to fall short. Then, I remember I am trying I have come a long way and although the flechly things or people on this earth don't see it my father does, so for another day I will exist and be grateful for the life I have been given.

Not up lifting but I do hope everyone out in blogdom is blessed.

Sorry for the hold up!

2006-10-23T18:16:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I am finally back and I think this time for good. The doctor is still running tests but it looks like there is a tumor which is at least operable (sp) if needed. We will know for sure as of Monday. Still, no signs of cancer really so I am trusting God that it is benign. Although as rough as life has been lately I am thinking that malignant is easier to deal with than a husband who hates every fiber of my being right now.

Kevin has been gone for going on the 4th week today. Every weekend was a flop at least half of it since he was gone. He or I one have been hurt or angry. He asked me a week ago why it is we bring out the worst in each other. WOW! Harsh I thought but I guess he has a right to his opinion. Still, that was the only sign he gave me that he was frustrated in some time.

Then, this weekend I went to my mom's where he has been staying during the week. At least coming home to for a couple hours a night. He is working 12 hour days most the time at the minimum 11. I hate that because he is setting a precendence that I can't live with when I get there, but I figure God has enough control over that I shouldn't worry that far into the future. Still, he says he only has 5 happy memories and we have been married 12 years. I am sure this is an attack from Satan and I know God has control, I also know we all have free will and I may never get him back. He says he doesn't want a divorce but how long can someone mistreat you before you wear thin in patience as well? I know 70x7 but I am not sure how well I do at this. I love him so much but I am so warn out. I will write more about this all tomorrow, but I wanted to get a head start on blogging again!

I am so tired but I thank God that I have him to take me through this and I will fervently be praying in the spirit till I can't anymore. :) Have a great Monday everyone!

recovering as always :)

2006-09-23T17:39:00.000-07:00

I won't know anything for a few days about my tests except how incredible sore I am. When you have bone taps and spine taps regularily it doesn't seem as rough but when you have been away awhile it hurts. It made me think about my life. I mean how much it hurts when you let something build and build and only take care of it when there is an emergency or a requirement and the rest the time I tend to just "get by". Then the hurts or struggles build up or something major happens and I realize I wasn't dealing with things at the time they needed to be, and guess what they don't go away and sometimes they even become worse.

As my husband prepares to move until the kids and I are ready to go in a couple years I pray we don't let things build but instead we work through them if anything should arise. He leaves either tommorrow night or Monday morning so for tonight I will go watch the college teams we love as a family and cheer them on as we cuddle on the couch.

As for my health I am not scared I know God is in control and sometimes until the lesson is truly learned we walk in circles. If I am sick it is circle I am walking and if I am still well it is a circle of faith I am walking in. I am not strong enough to cope with this, but I know through God's incredible love and grace no matter what me and my family will be alright. Especially if we are focusing on him and not the fear or the disease.

See ya,
Michelle

one week and counting

2006-09-19T05:54:00.000-07:00

Wow! It has been awhile again. I actually think when Kevin is gone although I will be busy I might be a little more organized. It is hard to fit all this in along with trying to work as much as possible until Kevin leaves since I will be more limited at that time. Anyway, it is Tuesday and here I am.

K leaves in a little less than one week. I think he plans on leaving next Sunday. I can't believe this is really happening. It is so strange, I think I have peace one minute and the next I feel like total chaos. There is a part of me that wants to go with him right now, and then there is a part that thinks I only want that because I don't lean totally on God and that this seperation will be good for my relationship with the Lord. Often I have to face the fact that I depend as much or more on my uhbby than I do on God and guess what...God, is actually a better safehaven. I know you all know that and so do I but sometimes I need a reminder and so I put it i nwords, this is one of those times and maybe it will help one of you to see it again too?!

So what are my reservations? Well, we did this when he took his job here we lived apart except on weekends for about 17 months altogether but there were 7 then 5 together then 10 apart until we finished our house here. Anyway, when we did this we fought a lot because he would come home to micro-manage my parenting when he wasn't here during the week, and when he would come in although it was nice to have help the schedule and routine was shot. Also, we became very independant. That can be both good and bad, it was like we didn't need each other anymore so when we fought we walked away because we knew we would be apart again in a few days so oh well. Then we weren't because we were living together again and we did survive it, but I am not sure our marriage is strong enough this time to do that. Not to mention he has faithfulness issues, and being away makes it easier. I know I know it was easy this time and I was living with him. Trust me God and I have gone over and over all of this, but I needed to face it and ask for continued prayer from you all.

I also don't like living alone and that is a little scary, plus the extra expenses, I guess I am scared and I know his perfect love can cast all that out, I wish I could rant here forever on the good and bad but I have to go to work. Let me tell all of you thank you for the prayers, always even when there isn't a struggle. I know God is in this things are working together a little too nice for his hand to not be here, but still I am rebuking fear frequently. I will write more later, on the positive side of it and why I know this is the right thing for him. (Kevin him)

My challenge today is to not only find joy in the bad times but also peace. Oh one more thing, I hoep what is said in the blog stays in the blog (KIMBERLY) but my platelets are very low and white count is up quite a bit I think I have a virus, but Satan likes to tease me with the idea of cancer and I go for some more testing Thursday so just keep that in your hearts. Nobody until now knows this, I want it to stay that way until I have good news.

Thanks ya'll have a great day!!! Be blessed after all we sit in the palm of God's hands there is no better place to be.

AMEN!!!

Loving Life

2006-09-08T14:47:00.000-07:00

Finally Friday! Who hoo! I have been so busy at work and doing things for the kids that the weekend will be a nice relief. Usually the kids keep me busy on the weekends but since K is leaving in a couple weeks they are his all the time when he is at home.

We went to marriage counseling on Wednesday and what a downer. Of course she also doesn't think it is a good idea that we don't live together for two years. What I don't get is what happened to he is the grown up and the teenager is a teenager. Am I excited about him being gone? No! At least not most the time (did I say that out loud)? Still, we have been struggling off and on for awhile and when he isn't here I don't think about it as much and I know independence can be an ugly thing when abused but it can also bring joy to the time we get together when done right. Am I crazy? Oh wait, that is beside the point. Anyway, he said some mean things to me there, that I never even knew he felt and I was so glad when I was called to interpret on Thursday and Friday because it helped me recover and not respond in anger. Still, I am hurt. Wow, my thoughts are all over the place, hence why I am not a writer.

Thanks everyone for the prayers, I am sure we wil need them. We already do. We always do! His birthday is Sunday pray we get through it without a hitch because right now nothing is that simple.

Michelle

Wednesday

2006-09-06T18:40:00.000-07:00

Don't you think everyone should wed on Wednesday? I mean it is in the middle of the week but it starts with WED! How much better does it get.

My husband is moving to a small town in a couple weeks to start a new job and he has to make a few decisions. He has to decide if he wants to spend his alst week at his old job or if he wants a fresh start after spending a week with the kids and I. This separation will last two years. The scariest part is that I am okay with it. I think depending on God completely and not on mad at all will be good for me, and I think that seeing myself do it without him will be equally as good. Even though I know too much independence makes me like him and that is something I don't want.

He got a job that is full of potential except it makes him unable to live with us and all the college days I had are a waste because there isn't anything close as far as work goes. Why am I doing it? I don't know I keep telling myself because God says I should support and submit to my husband but I think it is also because I need a break from him and all the trauma that seems to travel with him. I love him and asked him to for one thing and that was that he didn't tell anyone from his old wrok where he was going and he agreed, guess what? He told them all anyway. I am so sick of hurting this separation may be a sad break from him but it is a relief from the deceit that comes with him. He isn't able to tell me the truth I don't know what to think or how to care. I hope this isn't the beginning of the end, but God's will is going to prevail and I won't interupt.

Please pray for me and the kids I am a little scared and worn out as well I need to know that he is with me even though I feel all alone and I don't want to be in God's way so if I have to let him go to grow then such is such I can't hang on to a dead relationship anymore it is in God's hands and I am going to bed. AMEN!

Time flies

2006-09-05T16:30:00.000-07:00

Wow! I can't believe it has been over a month since I have written and life has been so crazy I didn't even realize it until I got on here this afternoon. I can't even begin to catch everyone up so I will post a brief blog today and go from there.

I started thinking about where have I been and what have I been doing? When I realized having extra time is like winning the lottery, when people find out you have it they have a few ways for you to use a minute or two here and there, and friends come from out of nowhere ready to "borrow some of your time". My problem is I have never learned the gift of that word "NO!"

Don't get me wrong I love to do things for people. Especially my family, but I just need to remember even I have needs and limits and I can give as many minutes as I have, but I have to stop giving more than I can, coming home so warn out my family will eventually suffer. It is crazy you set out to do one thing and yet the complete opposite happens. I remember as a kid my mom would send me to my room to clean it and I would have it so much worse when I was in the middle then it even was in the beginning. It does improve but after some time (in my case a lot of time) and then finally I would be back on track and stop reading every paper, sharpening every pencil etc. I would focus on the goal and get with it. I guess I need to learn this skill with my minutes too.

I guess my goal is to make sure that I do what God wants me to do in a day and I know wearing myself down til the kids get more minutes but less quality isn't the way. Still, it will be a struggle, yet somehow that is my goal for this year. I have a junior in high school that will soon leave me and a boy in 4th grade that is becoming more independent every day, so I will focus on making less minutes count rather than more minutes that are void to them. This wil be a tougher goal as y husband has recently accepted a job in another city and we will no longer live together during the week. He is going to be there and I won't be moving until my daughter graduates. Crazy I know, but I believe it is God's plan.

Keep us in your prayers! I think we are going to need it for this bumpy ride.

Michelle

2006-07-11T12:21:00.000-07:00

Tuesday already. I can't believe more than a week has passed since I wrote last. I guess the week after my birthday has been busy or my old age is creeping up on me. (HEE)

It has been a great time for my husband and I (this is my opinion of course) he says it was okay. For me we went through some tough times that used to would have been a set back, but this time we handled better. He saw the times of struggle and didn't notice the growth until we went to marriage counseling a few days later. Yes, I said marriage counseling he agreed and he even seems to be opening up so send praises to teh Lord, but please keep praying because we have such a long road to travel.

I kept a little girl for my friend for a few days and she is from a broken home (her father came out of the closet after 19 years of marriage and they divorced about 5 years ago) anyway, she used to be my sons best friend. They had a great time and when she left she talked to her mom about how she liked being in a family again. Eating at the table and dad's praying with their kids, watching movies together and doing puzzles on another table together, and really just the overall family feeling of things. It was interesting and gave me a new perspective on things that seem so simple and how they can brighten a child's world. It also helped me to appreciate the things I have in my life.

I love that our simple world gave her a new look at life and when she left we talked about how different she was then our kids, not in a bad way just in a different way. She is a sweet girl forced to grow up way too soon. I will pray for her and her family, along with my own being sure to thank God for what I have even when some days when I am cleaning, mowing, struggling and all of those mom things I will simply try to stop and say thanks for the life God has given me.

I think I am back now we will see. :) Hope everyone has had a great week.

injustice

2006-07-03T11:37:00.000-07:00

Okay, so tomorrow I will become "older" yet again. Only in years though as my siter will happily tell you maturing is something I believe to be optional. not in my walk with Christ but in y behavior, sometimes I just like to be young. I was born in Alaska so my aunt nicknamed me Eskimo Firecracker. Crazy! Although somewhat true. I am after all an eskimo, I would never be explosive like a firecracker though, I am beautiful (HEE). Okay so maybe I act alittle more explosive but I am beautiful in my fathers eyes.

I was readng the testimony I typed for you all last week and cried yet again. Even though I lived it at times I feel like it is still just a dream. A crazy dream. Although, when I get excited over getting a scab and not bleeding and I have a cold that lasts only 3 days and doesn't threaten me with something worse I know it was a life lesson and closer to a nightmare at many times then a dream.

Still, there was something I said in there that I want to elaborate on. It is the part about doing my children an injustice. My goal was to teach them that they can get through anything and that it often is a choice to go through the hard times, until God lifts the burden, or we turn it over to him whichever is more the case. However, in doing that I refused to let them see me weak. I never let them know how tough the really tough times were. I robbed them of that. I am not saying that I should have sit around and complained, but maybe with my eldest been a little more honest with what I was truly feeling (health wise and emotionally I am sure too). I guess that was one of the few times in my life I was quiet and in turn she has beocme more introverted. (That and the fact that my hubby is that same way) I journalled faithfully during that time and she writes all the time. I didn't realize how much she was watching me and how my being strong seems to caused her to think she has to pretend to be strong as well. She tries to spare me from any of her struggles.

My youngest knows I was sick, on the bad days when I could't get up he would say, my mommy has cancer today? and I would simply say "yes". I never told him why some days were worse then others or how to fight the different kinds of days, I tried not to let them see me cry in fear, or weakness. I tried to seem like everything was normal.

Normal is a funny word. for my kids normal was mom eating in her bedroom because the smell of food was to much to bear. Instead I could walk them into their classes or fix hair or even sit and read with them, but their sense of what a family is I think is forever changed. It makes me sad. For now that is I know God can take that and change it around and make it a good thing and I will patiently wait...okay I will wait for that time. My kids also didn't get to be held by mommy when they were sick because I coudn't risk it and if I got sick my baby would cry did I kill you mommy are you gonna die because of me? I giggled and said of course not, wondering if I did what would happen. I am soooooo grateful that isn't a fear anymore. See normal is as normal does.

I am jumping from topic to topic today I think it is because my age is causing me short term memory on where I was and where I am going I am just happy that I am still going. I am happy the kids won't suffer too much from my lack of informing them. I wish I had known what was the right amount to share and what was to much, but there was no book written on the right way to tech your family about cancer. I wil recommend one book on the topic for anyone who is going through this with small children. It is called, Becky and the Worry Cup. I don't usually like to recommend books about cancer because it is such a personal experience but it is a great one to read with them and it explains things that can be so scary for kids. Just check it out should you need too.

Have a great 4th of July and I will grow older and wiser tomorrow, but no one will ever know it but me!

part two

2006-06-29T06:31:00.000-07:00

So the study required me to gain a lot of weight (which I am still trying to lose) in order for the cancer to feast on fat not organs. It was a very specific diet and I did everything that was required of me (although at times not without griping). I graduated from an interpreting program, took my state exam and just kept living life one day at a time. Wondering what my life was to hold and why I was still here, although excited that I had met many of my goals and more days were still coming.

We had a guest speaker at our church and he asked people to go down for prayer on healing but as I told you before I had long since gotten over the need to be healed instead my desire was to be whole and joyful (as much as possible in the moment) and so I went down to the alter aside from the speaker who is from Sri Lanka (SP) and I prayer for life with a teenager, a young boy that would be a teen and for my interpreting skills and God’s dreams for what I was to become and do with that blessing. I could definitely feel the presence of the Holy Spirit, I was burning hot even sweating and crying and praying and then I got ready to go back to my seat when I could no longer walk (remember the tumor in my spine) well I cried harder and harder and my neighbor came down to pray with me thinking I was melting down (which looking back I think maybe I was, I knew this was a possibility, but I was in denial enough that I never truly thought this was going to happen). The heat sensation continued and I told her and finally by the time the prayer was over I was able to get enough strength to walk back to my seat (shaking ferociously but walking). See my husband was home building a fence to our new house so our Yorkie wouldn’t be eaten (again) by the neighborhood German Shepard. I stayed through the service which was phenomenal and after it was over I asked my friend have you ever felt anything like this before, she said, “yes, a few times” I thought man I better start hanging out with her more often. I felt renewed, still scared and shaky and new I had to go tell the doctor and I had my neighbor follow me home in case it happened again (although looking back driving was probably a bad idea). Anyway, I told my husband all about what happened I cried, and for the first time in a long time I was scared. Really scared. I had a weird peace but still the idea of no longer walking was a lot for me to grasp.

So, Monday I gave my blood like I always did (I had landed a job at an area school that was everything I dreamed it would be, and part-time to boot) I still had to go on Friday and Monday mornings to give blood to see the counts and see where I was with the treatments etc. There had up to this point been no significant changes, the floating tumors were gone but the rest was still there although in places a little less dense. So, Tuesday morning I received a call from my doctor in the OKC area telling me the courier had lost my blood and I needed to go back to the hospital and give again. I explained I had just started this job I would go Friday but it seemed to be that was sufficient. He disagreed, threatened me with hospice so I went in. Then he called and asked for me to come to the city for x-rays on Saturday. I did all of the above, by Friday they (him and the man from Texas were here) they began running tons of tests and told me that things were strange, they didn’t elaborate much except they told me my blood work appeared to be completely normal and where I had been given bone taps I was never suppose to heal from I no longer appeared to have holes or possibly a tumor was covering that (I was thinking must be bone cancer) I went through that for a week. Not sharing with a soul because I didn’t want to scare or get the hopes up of anyone in my family in case they were wrong. I knew they were searching for many answers. I missed a whole week of work telling my husband I was going so he wouldn’t wonder why I was so sore and tired at the end of the day and I wouldn’t disappoint him if more were wrong.

Okay, so here my friends is the great part. September 28th (the speaker was there at church September 19th) I received yet another call at my work on my cell it was my doctor. He asked if I was sitting down and I said yes, (but I was still walking to the next class) he said are you sure his voice was excited yet shaky I said yes but I need to go so what did you call me for this time? Knowing in my heart my Father was with me and I would be okay no matter what he said. He continued to tell me that it appeared that I no longer had cancer, I was WELL! I said WHAT? What does well mean? Do you realize how many things I didn’t deal with because I was going to die and now you tell me I am going to live and I am going to live WELL? What is WELL? I had never thought about it because I felt so blessed to just have life. I still cry when I say it. He said not only are you well but all the bone taps that leave little holes just normal they are all solid again, every count falls in the exact middle of the normal range as close as science can detect. I was going to live and I was going to live REALLY! This meant no more fear of illness, or a paper cut that could cause me to bleed to death because of low platelets. I could scrapbook again, take care of my kids when they were sick, go shopping without a mask on to keep from getting germs. Christmas shopping at the malls not in catalogs I could have what everyone had been calling a “normal life” again. I came home I called my neighbor and told her to drive to my house when she got off not home and she did and she screamed I had already called my mother, my sister and my husband to tell him I had news for him after work. It was amazing. IT IS AMAZING!!!! God healed me. The best part was when my doctor said the good news is I believe you were healed without a doubt, there is no other explanation that is the good news, the bad news is the doctor from the study thinks he is GOD! We laughed it just didn’t matter. The study doctor was angry because I didn’t follow the process of getting well he still believes the cancer has merely moved it isn’t gone. I know better and I have been well two years this coming September. I saw my son start school get almost every award possible this year and my daughter will soon get her drivers license the dance I wanted to see was as great as I thought it would be. I have talked to her about her first love and even gone through tough things with them but I am alive and well and our God is a healing God, he is so good. He didn’t do it the way I thought or the time I thought but the bottom line is he did it in his own perfect way. I still keep my goals short because we all should; I try to think positive although if you read all my blogs you see sometimes I don’t. Still I know I am here today because God said I would be.
That is my story! Thanks for the encouragement I got this weekend about telling it and thanks for reading through this long drawn out message and know that I am a living breathing testimony of God’s power. When you doubt or wonder if he will take you through it know that he will and his way is better than we ever thought possible! AMEN!

Testimony begins

2006-06-28T06:48:00.000-07:00

Healing

Okay so I promised I would write my little testimony about the gift I received from God and I never once said it would be short, but I will give the condensed version and if you want the longer story you will have to meet up with me someday.

When I was about 25 (I say "about" because I can’t give away my real age) anyway I had left my husband who had battered me for a long time and gotten into the best physical shape I had ever been in. I don’t know if I was the thinnest I had ever been but I was healthy and felt great. I taught preschool and one day a rambunctious little girl was very angry and she kicked me, she kicked me so hard I was stunned. A couple weeks later the bruise didn’t go away and it was draining (I thought) down my leg, around my ankle forming a bigger bruise than I had ever seen. I decided I must be a little anemic (understand I didn’t have insurance or even enough money to pay my water bill often). I was renting my parents house and often not mailing money because I didn’t have it. This story will explain that for sure.

Okay so I go to the doctor who later calls and says I need to see a specialist. I explained it took me a couple weeks to have enough money to pay for the visit I made for them I certainly could not afford to go back in especially to a specialist. Making a long story short they thought the bruise was possibly more serious then that. After the help from a friend I found a good doctor who told me it was possible I had cancer although he would rather not run tests until he was sure I had insurance (his name can’t be mentioned I would never want a Godly man like that to be in trouble for saving my life). I got insurance (sort of) it wasn’t great I didn’t work for a big company it was a small one, the co-pays, deductibles etc basically left me bankrupt and I didn’t even have money to pay my parents (they didn’t know because I didn’t want to worry them so I didn’t tell them where my money was going, little did I know the thoughts of where that might be was probably worse than if I had told them) they were across the country I didn’t want to worry them I couldn’t tell them I had cancer. Kidney cancer I hid it until an ex-fiancé’ accidentally told them I had been having chemo. I did recover from that after some very aggressive treatment.

I got well, married my husband who adopted my daughter and he paid off what debts I had from that last cancer, although my doctor waived whatever he could that didn’t cost him. He has been amazing. Still my right kidney was never quite the same. Anyway, we were married and decided to have my son, the doctor encouraged us to wait the full five years, but I told him I was old, with the chemo and my age were all factors on if I could even get pregnant I was leaving it in God’s hands and he would decide when. I had my son about 9 ½ months later. The greatest decision of my life be sure. Except a 9 month period without treatment wasn’t a great idea and on his first birthday I received my first treatment for CML (Leukemia). We treated it aggressive also and when Gleevec(sp) came out I went into remission although with leukemia they call you cured. This was a short 4 years after the first bout with cancer. Anyway, I was doing great. Still, going in for check ups but they were far apart and life seemed great. We had a few issues of course between the cancer and my insecurities not knowing who I truly was in Christ, and my husband felt un-loved so he had an affair. I found out and believe it or not the depression from that was far worse then the cancer had ever been. I couldn’t seem to get out of it long enough to get my life together. I was in counseling and that helped but it hurt. Condensing again, I started feeling badly, couldn’t stay awake, (thought it was depression so I didn’t say anything to anyone) then the infamous itching that only a cancer victim knows started and there was that platelet thing being so low I bled out the pores of my skin. I called the doctor again. It was sure enough cancer one last time. This time they called is CUPS (cancer of unknown source) it was worse then ever. I had it in my pancreas, liver, kidney and tumors throughout my whole body. There was a spot in my spine that was so big fluid wasn’t flowing. I had so much organ damage from past chemo that it just wasn’t an option. He told me all I could do was pray. He said prayer is good though he is only a doctor and that God would have the answer ultimately as to what would happen. Best case 6 months and that was really optimistic. He did some checking and said to go to a treatment center and see if I met the criteria for a study they were doing on Pancreas cancer. So, I packed up my family for our last vacation that we would ever take together and we went to Galveston and then to Houston and I did meet the criteria only since it was solely for pancreas it probably wasn’t going to do much except extend my life. I would not live and that needed to be clear.

I planned my funeral, I asked my best friend to sing and sign to songs to my kids, I took my sister to see my gravesite. I told everyone and of course I prayed relentlessly. However, I was already living a miracle. I had no right kidney function left, my liver was down to 3% I believe and my pancreas they didn’t say much about except that they couldn’t see function. I was truly a walking dead women. Every time I went in they couldn’t believe I was still alive. I later was entered into a new study with an affiliate to a cancer treatment center I am not sure I am allowed to say where so I will leave that out since it is a study. I know above might have told you a little, but this man was outside the hospital. I was able to get on his study but it was in the very beginning stages and there was little to no hope. It was a matter of time. I quit going to churches that prayed for my healing because walking and talking was the miracle I was supposed to have. I pursued my degree and agreed when I was too sick I would no longer go and stay with my family. My goals were short term, shoe tying, first dances, maybe school for my youngest. I did things I never thought I would because I want my kids to know they can persevere through anything. (another long story goes along with how I did that wrong later) J

So, a few years later I was still kicking and the rest of this is to be continued because this is way to long today already, I will finish tomorrow, but know it is a happy ending after all I am typing this aren’t I?

Faithful God

2006-06-27T05:24:00.000-07:00

It is Tuesday and Monday went unbelievable well. I do have to confess
though I didn't get a quiet time in the word. I prayed and I sent up
praises but I feel very bad about it. See I went to the doctor thinking
I would be having surgery on a kidney stone that passed on the way
there. God is so good and so is his timing even when I remain a little
less than dedicated at times. I just talk to him so frequently
throughout the day sometimes I don't stop and get into the word. Still,
he is faithful.

I wonder how I would feel if he didn't show up for my prayers or
songs of worship? That's rhetorical of course because I know I would
feel lousy. I would be disappointed and wonder how a loving God could
be so heartles and yet I do it to him sometimes. Yes, I am sorry and I
try not to let it happen often but once is too much.

My goal is to stay so focused I can't forget to see him in the word.
I don't forget birth control (or didn't when I needed it) so I won't
forget to give God that time anymore. I want my kids to know the first
minutes in a day should be spent with the Lord. I know we all have
different times in the day but I want to give God my everything and that
means the morning for me I am at my best.

The trip

2006-06-26T09:40:00.000-07:00

We went to KC this weekend to meet other bloggers that we have never met. It was a great time. For several reasons; first, I love it because we got to talk with other women and it is so easy for women to talk about anything; next, I love hearing other people talk about their relationships with the Lord; and third it gave me a chance to share my testimony on healing. After a lot of encouragment I have decided to share that here. Sorry guys, not today because it is a little long and I have a not so patient 9 year old wanting to play before I go to the doctor ands ee about having a kidney stone removed. But this week for sure.

I loved the way I got away and did something with my sister, met new people and just saw new things. I love the way women can laugh and make others laugh without even trying it is a great feeling. I will be reflecitng on the different peoples, things, and perspectives for months and I think it will always bring a smile to my face. I appreciate the way everyone was as excited as I was about being there and having faces with names. Many of them now know why my blog name is Love to Chat! Because quite simply I do love it. I can do it with my mouth and my hands and of course in my head and no, I am not talking about the other voices in my head I am talking about to the Lord.

It gave me a break from home stressed and gave me a chance to realize there is laugher out there in the world we just have to remember to seek it out. It was an amazing time thanks everyone for going and hopefully we will have the chance to do this in other places sometime so we can meet more fellow bloggers. Have a great Monday. Not just average, or okay I got through it but make it a great day!

Thursday

2006-06-22T13:03:00.000-07:00

It is the almost weekend and I went to marriage counseling yesterday, the good news is my husband showed this time. The bad news is the weekend hasn’t even arrived I will be gone a lot of it yet I already feel WEAK-END I am so glad God is going to take care of me because I feel like I can’t do it anymore at all. I can continue because it is what we do but I feel like I don’t even know anything for certain anymore other than that God does love me and he shows up when I think there is no hope left.

Why do I feel so sad, I guess because since it was our first appointment together I had to relive so many of the sad times. You know how people used to ask if you could go back to anytime in your life when would it be? Well, I have always said I thought 21 but I realized yesterday no more. I am way to young I want to move forward in fast forward. As kids we always wished for the next year the next age then we got older and wanted to slow down. Not me I want to move forward faster then ever I am so ready to rest in my Father’s arms and praise him and forget all of this turmoil on earth. I hate it. I hate all the stuff our flesh and other people’s flesh takes us through.

Depressing I know but not really because the ultimate peace isn’t depressing it is what brings me hope and the courage to teach my kids go on because our life here is short and heaven is going to be our reward for the things we go through here. Perfect peace that is what I will dream of tonight to get me to Friday! Thank you God for the things yet to come!

Who am I?

2006-06-21T07:31:00.000-07:00

Who am I? I know I'm a child of God. A wife, a mother, an interpreter
for the Deaf, I'm a daughter, sister, friend, role model to some and a
stranger to others. Why is it I have so many titles and still can't
find myself.

I know that if I was the only person alive I would have been enough
for God to send Jesus but yet when it comes to walking in the present I
am lost and confused today. I am changing daily and I'm trying to
embrace it but sometimes the options however limited or unlimited seem
too much to know where to begin.

Is it just me or does everyone struggle with the thoughts of, I know
who I am in God but this flesh person is clueless as to what is what and
who is who and in a world of millions I feel alone, yet always with
someone. I'm as confused as my thoughts today.

Obedience

2006-06-20T05:48:00.000-07:00

Okay, I want to start by saying and time we are not obeying we all know that really means we are disobeying. That was said in church this last weekend and I know I knew it but for some reason it seemed to hit me just right. (yes, wrong too because sometimes I am not the best at obedience, that must be where my kids get it but don't tell their daddy).

Anyway, years ago I kept telling my husband we should get more involved in church and we did we started teaching in the children church (ages 4-5) and we did once a month for over a year, along with helping out in other areas and joining a couples Bible study. The lady who headed childrens church never learned our names until one day when she thought we forgot to do something then miraculously she remembered. I had already been dis-content in the childrens ministry but for so long I had thought I wanted to be a teacher that I knew it must be my calling and I needed to be obedient. Still I didn't I left there not the church but the nursery and let me say the preacher's son that was in our class was the test of my faith in all time. (or so I thought until yesterday).

Yesterday, I worked in the VBS at our church (mainly because my son has major insecurity issues right now) and I have sense learned my gift is mercy not teaching or children's church. Not only that but I went into a field that people are quiet (which as much as we love them we know children never are, until they are teens when we beg them to talk again). Anyway, there was a child there last night that was out fo control. Cute albeit, but crazy hyper adn threw fits on the floor etc. I knew at that moment why that other child had been in my life, to prepare me for this new challenge (oh yes and my marriage at the moment too). It often feels like that is what my husband is doing during this time). Anyway, this kids ran wild and I felt like I was going crazy. I was glad that I wasn't really called to that ministry because it allowed me to have more patience (knowing it is only a week) and it allowed me to appreciate my kids more.

As I watched this child I thought to myself is that how I appear to God when I am not getting what I have been praying for that maybe I think was due last week or last year? Do I lose my obedience because I think it should be my way. Worse do I do it anyway thinking God just hasn't gotten around to it so I will fix it? Am I trusting God the way he calls me too? I know now I don't want to appear to God the way that crazy little boy appeared to me. I want to be obedient when I don't know the when, where or how things are going to happen but simply because I have been taught to do that. Thank you God for helping me through my immaturity and please help me continue to grow. I will try to be the child you created me to be and I will stop trying to hurry you along not allowing your work to be completed in me or in others.

Manic monday

2006-06-19T12:41:00.000-07:00

I'm a little later than usual today I had a mommy/son morning. He mows
the neighbors yard on Monday and I watch and cheer him on. See he is
only 9 and his dedication is amazing. Anyway, then we ran to the
grocery store for a minute to return and I watched him do his next job,
water another neighbors flower and feeding the birds. He then said hang
on I don't rush off I like too see some birds come and how happy the
food and fresh water makes them. He talked and I listened I love his
ability to share his thoughts and feelings for as we know this is not a
typical male trait. Hate to sterotype guys but lets face it men were
not born to talk.

So, I realized how nice it was to share these moments with him no
rushing and when he was finished doing his jobs he said being outside
doesn't really seem like work does it mom. Truth is on most days
listening to him is more work then those chores but it is his positive
atitude that I was loving. He can always brighten a day, God really
uses Blake to keep me focused on lifes blessings.

I have two great kids, they both make me nuts but at the end of the
day the good is always more than the bad. God, is so good to us.
Always reminding us in subtle ways how much we have.

The weekend was okay with Kevin and God is strengthening me
everyday. I used to avoid praying for strength, but what I have
realized is it isn't me being stroing it is actually be growing stronger
in my ability to trust him. That makes it seem like it isn't strength
at all. Just like Blake's work when I know it is good and see what he
is doing it isn't really work at all. I also had someone at church give
me a word Sunday. She said, "the Lord wants you to know you aren't
forgotten on a shelf he knows where you are you are not alone, find
peace and comfort in knowing that he loves you, is in control and that
you are not alone or forgotten he is with you." It was so awesome.
Therefore I knew no matter what Kevin did to me God was holding my hand
I knew that but it was great to hear it from the Lord, see this girl
doesn't know me or my situation so I saw how great it is to bless others
with the words God gives you. I am praying I don't have to leave K but
I know that I can't stand in Gods way either and I really am going to be
okay. Bare with me sometimes my emotions still get me but I'm just
growing in the Lord everyday like everyone else and sometimes I learn a
little slower and I need repetition. Sorry guys!

Finally Friday

2006-06-16T06:11:00.000-07:00

I this the weekend again. Lord, help me to be strong like the weeds I try to pull from the flower bed, but as beautiful as the flowers. Help me to be like the sunshine and brighten the lives around me. Then Lord, help me to remember you love me even if I don't do these things. Thanks you God! You are my sunshine!

It is long but I need blogger help today!

2006-06-15T12:04:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I know marriage is supposed to be like Christ's relationship with the church. That is the goal I get that. I get that if my hubby is lined up biblically submission is good. I can even do that. It is everything else that has be stumped.
I know the other stuff is fleshly and I shouldn't even get caught up in it but the bottom line is I am at times. I hate when people know what Kevin has done and tell me you are a fool he will do it again, once maybe not but twice it is so happening again. Are you a glutten for punishment? The reason he does it is free will and he says he doesn't know why he did it except people who know him can't love him because they know he isn't that great. (WRONG, when he isn't cheating he really is that great). He isn't perfect but who is I'm not either. Still he is darn near, at least in my eyes. I am able to look past all the imperfection and see the love God has for him. He really cares which is why often he reacts like he does he cares so much he is afraid he wil get hurt or hurt someone he loves and so he does it anyway. Only, he is so cute with his eyes and the heart of GOD I know he has I don't want to leave, but I don't want to let the affairs continue to happen either.

So here is the question for today.

What is an affair or infidelity or adultery whatever you want to call it?

Too me it is a relationship with another thing or person (other than God) more than you have with your spouse. It can be a job, a person, an internet relationship, sexual events etc. An affair can be an addiction to a substance. Let me tell you I am interested in what others think because K and I are far apart on this definition. I need clarity and right now I am not getting it. I know lust can even be an affair. Also, I want to know what all you people in blogdon think is the right thing to do.

I know God's opinion is the only one that can influence me but I am feeling crazy and want ot hear what others say. See I mourned a new part of my marriage today (even though we are doing okay right now) I was reflecting about how the first time I found out he was unfaithful I really thought I would die, I called my counselor and asked if I could sit in her office until she could see me because I was finding it hard to breathe. I thought maybe I had stuck my finger in a light socket or something, I weighed 500 pounds in my chest I couldn't eat, sleep and really honestly breathing was extremely hard. I thought if I didn't die physically I would surely end up in the hospital for the rest of my life. (Cancer almost did that too me) I was excited for the cancer because it meant the pain would stop. Finally after I got really real with God from anger to repentence(SP) I began to heal, but the pain at times would creep in and I would give it to my father after a few tears of course(God could flood the world with my tears alone in his hand) but he healed me first of the affair I thought, then the cancer, then he really healed me of the affair parts I didn't deal with since I was dying. Anyway, this time when it happened and it wasn't physical I merely thought to myself.."I knew it was coming, he didn't deal with what caused it the first time and I knew it would happen again, God help me through it again and give me guidance." So the mourning came this morning when I realized it didn't hurt like the first time, I didn't think I was dying I hate it and what it all represents and it is going to be a healing process but it wasn't devastating. What does that say about me and my marriage and this mess I am in? How do I feel. Pray for me and K because I am so sadden by this loss I never want to think a affair is coming and I didn't focus on it but I guess I must have subconsciously filed it away because it is there. What does it mean and don't you think it is sad too? I am married still but I have lost a part of this marriage that scares me. I love him so much is that okay? What does all this mean?
On that note I guess I will go back to the word and get some God answers as well. Have a great Thursday!

2006-06-14T06:20:00.000-07:00

It is Wednesday and life is great. I don't have anything amazing going on but I do have a wonderful family (yes even Kevin, although he isn't always nice) but they are wonderful. They bless me with their smiles, their words, their love and their amazing endurance in believing God is with us.
My son will get up in a few minutes and go play a game of baseball in his make believe world and he will look just like he is playing for the major leaguers. He has an imagination that has to be a gift form God. He will play all the parts on the field and he will do them all well. He will show me what childhood energy can be like. He will ask me to watch and although I think I am too busy he will kindly remind me that I am going to miss a once in a lifetime chance to see his invisible team play this other invisible team and it could make history. How can I refuse an invitation like that.
Then hours later my daughter will rise. She has the gift to be able to sleep through anything and not worry about what she misses out on. She knows that although the early bird gets the worm she can have pizza until midnight. She is so laid back and doesn't let the rush of life destroy any of her day. Makes me crazy sometimes, but I know it is a gift. She won't invite me into her world especially not her room but that is a gift too because I do let things get to me and that place she sleeps is one of them. :) I guess getting up so late there is not time to trouble yourself with a little cleaning. I am sure she will not ever have heart problems because she doesn't worry. For that I am also thankful.
I will work out, watch my son mow the neighbors and his game. Feed my daughter eventually and just be thankful for the things God has given me today. I hope today can make great memories doing everyday things.

The haircut

2006-06-13T06:00:00.003-07:00

Okay my sister is always making comparisons which is what is leading to this blog. My son went to get his haircut. I always knew with a girl this would be a battle ground but with a boy I never thought there was that much to choose from. I thought eventually my little man would maybe want to grow it longer but the style itself shouldn't be abig deal (especially since he has straight hair I didn't think there were too many options) understand I have hair almost like Shirley Temple and in the right humidity maybe worse. Anyway, he doesn't mind getting it cut per say but it is the fact he has to leave home and go do it at the shop when it wastes perfectly good outside time. He wants to shave it bald he said. I asked why and he said because I like it and you don't have to come as often. Thankfully I was able to talk him into more of a buzz (he didn't want to shine his head or burn it during all that outside time).

However, getting his haircut caused me to reflect on how that too is like our lives. We go in and they cut off all the out of shape hair or the hair that is unruly or even just give us a new look. The old hair being areas in our life that need God's touch and when we leave we feel better and look better , like when we leave church or quiet time etc. We go in thinking we know exactly what wewant but often times God changes that desire or gives us something he knows will look better in our lives. By the way I am much more forgiving of God when he does what he wants then I am of a hairdresser who thinks she can pick what she wants for me. Anyway, just a thought.

The haircut

2006-06-13T06:00:00.002-07:00

The haircut

2006-06-13T06:00:00.001-07:00

The haircut

2006-06-13T06:00:00.000-07:00

Second Best

2006-06-09T06:11:00.000-07:00

I have been struggling with Kevin for some time now, and I think I am beginning to see one place I went wrong. I had God in second place to my husband. If he wanted to go to church I went, if he didn’t I didn’t. If he came in during my quiet time I stopped, kissed him and gave that time that should have been God’s to him.
I feel really bad, but thankfully I have a forgiving God and things will be okay. The thing is how I realized it is because Kevin’s free will has allowed him to place me below second or third I am after his work, his girlfriend, himself and so on. I am not even sure I am on his list. Yet when I try to give him his space he tells me it hurts him when he comes home and I want to do something. I hate when I see bad behavior coming from someone else and realize it was also mine at some point. What do I do? I am a little confused today.
I am making sure God gets his time first and I am doing better emotionally but I miss my other friend, the one I married who has always been there. How do we go through the motions knowing that our best friend who we would have gone to at one time is now the problem and we have other friends but it is scary to trust again. I know all the biblical answers but today I still feel sad for my friend.
Don’t get me wrong God is fulfilling me but there is still a void where he used to be. Just pray I will be fine, thanks to a loving Father I always am. I hope that I never let God be second best in my life again.

Changes

2006-06-07T06:09:00.000-07:00

Life is ever changing and although I am grateful for that I must admit change is not my favorite thing in the world. As a matter of fact it used to be the one thing I detested more than life itself. I am learning as I mature in Christ and in life that change is inevitable and even a good thing sometimes. It helps me not to become complacent in my walk and in my parenting.
Often in Oklahoma they say if you don’t like the weather wait a minute it will change and that has proven a multitude of times to be accurate. I guess that in and of itself change is one of the small things that have allowed me and taught me to be grateful for change. I mean 30 some odd days of over 100 degree heat stinks (literally depending on who you are with) and so change with a little cloud cover, cool breeze or rain is a good thing. That started me taking baby steps towards change.
Now as I get up to see another God given day through I can be thankful that change occurs, I grow sometimes and sometimes people around me do, but no matter what the change is something God gives me as a gift so I won’t get stuck in the mundane. First, I became a mom to a beautiful little girl, who grew and things changed I decided I wanted another baby and this time I got the most precious baby boy and although parenting was somewhat the same it was still a change from the past experiences. Each time I go through a change like this or any other I know I am maturing or at least trying too and so today I will be thankful for change!
I pray my attitude reflects the love of Christ no matter what kind of change I am enduring and that I bless those around me. I pray God continues to soften my heart even though it may get battered at times I am thankful to have it and to be able to feel his love for me. Let change bless me not stifle me and to know that the change isn’t stifling me it is my attitude towards it I will looks past the obstacles and find the blessings. AMEN! Be blessed change brings good things.

Cloudy day

2006-06-06T08:19:00.000-07:00

Well here we are in June and it is a cloudy day. The kind of day that makes you want to sleep through the entire thing. You know it can bring storms (even tornados in our part of the world) still rest seems like the best thing to do. I am hoping as life continues I can feel this relaxed when lifes storms hit. You know seeing the clouds coming and yet still being at peace, remembering what I said last week that there is already a way out before the storm hit. Jesus is after all my Tornado shelter. He is way more dependable then spider filled storm shelter in the ground, or in a safe room that isn't neccessarily safe they are saying these days. Besides as I said yesterday the tornado already hit it was that 15 almost 16 year old girl I gave birth too. There is no shelter from her as a matter of fact at times I am called to shelter her. UGH! Who would have thought. :) She is a blessing but a messy one. I know God will heal her from it because he did me and I was the worst when I was younger.

Anyway, needless to say God gave me another child who is borderline OCD and so his room is clean and his life is in order so much that sleeping in wasn't an option. We need to get up after all and not miss out on another God created day. Why waste it sleeping is his thought. We got the paper and the front page article was 6.6.6 the mark of the beast. They were talking about is it true or is it a myth and how people will go about life today etc. I was appalled we can't talk about God but we can do a full page article on Satan. Sad world sometimes. Still we kept right on trucking through this morning. He has great plans for us (yes God, but also my 10 year old) he wants to go to the Bass Pro shop and see fish feeding etc. He wants to do everything except what needs to be done in my world. Which is okay I guess for a day because how can I resist those beautiful blue eyes saying can't we just have one day without even housework? He inspires me to get up on days that I would much rather rest and do nothing, with him slothfulness will never be a sin I commit. LOL! When he doesn't want me to do something there are things I have to do for him or the family. Don't get me wrong I love it but sometimes being a sloth doesn't seem so bad.
So, I will close here and hopefully become creative before tomorrow's blog and go spend the day exploring what boys do all day. Making this day just another God filled day with a bad name 6-6-06. Thank you Lord that we don't have to fear anything that comes today because you are the winner. When Satan reminds me of my past I will remind him of his future. That you God for making that possible.

God is Good

2006-06-05T13:58:00.000-07:00

Church was so good this weekend, as usual I am grateful to be loved
by my father. I made it through without feeling WEAK at all. My father
faithfully loved me and showed me I was loved through it all. I'm
learning to depend more on him and less on people every single day.
My daughter went to her birth father's this weekend. My husband
adopted her years ago but we agreed if she wanted to see him she could
so she is spending the week there. I decided to do a deep spring
cleaning on her room, it took 6 hours so far, and I am not done yet. I
am surprised she could even find her way out daily because it was a
disaster. Then I began to think, it reminds me of life.
Our life gets piled up with stuff and once and a while we have to go
and clean out the junk. In the in between times we do okay if we trust
God will all that stuff but he calls us not to leave life undone but to
clean out the bad stuff. Then, we look and we realize we trusted him to
take care of a lot more than we knew and shouldn't have let it build
like that to begin with. One thing at a time is much easier. I pray
god keeps me aware of my issues one at a time instead of major trauma
from not being faithful to leave it at throne each day.

WEEKENDS!

2006-06-02T06:45:00.000-07:00

Why is it right now when Friday arrives I feel WEAK-END? As a kid it was an exciting time and we couldn’t wait to sleep in and enjoy the lazy days and now I feel like UGH! I mean I enjoy the extra time to chat with the hubby. Still, I feel worn down and just as I get used to the extra people and stuff then work starts again for most of them? I pray God you can keep my spirits up and people will continue to pray for K and I so we can grow in you a little more each day. My attitude is right I think I am just a little weary. I think I will go read the word and lay down with my Father and his promises to me! Everyone have a great weekend! Make it the good kind. Everything is a choice right?! I chose to enjoy this weekend!

Hey everyone one last thought, for a few days Kevin was praying and getting in the word with me but the last two he stopped again and was defensive. Please continue to pray for a hedge of protection and if anyone hears from the Voice (because he is a man) please tell him I am requesting his help on what a woman can do to show her man that she loves him. I know that God has to help him accept it, but men know what men like. So tell him to stop by here and give me any little doses of love that he knows! Thaks, have a great weekend and thank you for the prayers and support we are gonna make it I know it is just so hard! My mom never said life would be easy, and she said marriage would be difficult, but she never said it would be this difficult!!!

germs

2006-06-01T11:30:00.000-07:00

You know that our society is so crazy about being germ free right?! Well what if we take that concept into our christian walk? For example, sin, fear, anger, sadness all the things that don't come from God arae the germs. Then we go to The Father, Son and Holy Spirit (they represent sink, water and soap) and we get cleansed from it. Actually picture those germs whichever we are dealing with this day and wash it away and the water is of course the perfect love that he gives us. He is cleansing us.
I certainly need it today because, I know that Satan is trying to attack me. We have been doing so well together then suddenly today it feels like my husband is not with me in heart, soul or spirit. Still I know that my faith and security is coming from God and I will make it through this day and not only that be blessed because I have. I will go to his sink and BATHE in it so I can be totally clean of the lies Satan is telling me today.
The storms came in this morning and I am talking about the weather and I guess his behavior followed that pattern, but it doesn't mean I have to be germ covered I can wash off and feel good tonight when I go to bed. Thank you Jesus for the many luxuries that you provide.
Stay clean today everyone and under his covering you will also dry off. Life is good!

It's the little things

2006-05-31T07:23:00.000-07:00

The Lord has really been helping me to develop character and be thankful for the little things that are happening right now as I have said several times here lately (and no I am not repeating it to convinve myself, although I have done that before). I am amazed at the things taht have happened in the past few days since this came to light.
Sunday Kevin didn't want to go to church, but he said he would for me. I told his I wish he would go for god but just going was good enough for me. The Lord of course met him at the door. His favorite praise and worship team was singing, he was immediately more open to the day because of that. Then, he went to the alter and one of our elders went to pray with him, where he cried. God was definitely moving. I got on my knees at my seat and thanked God for every little thing. Later taht day when I asked he said he was glad he went but that nothing had changed for us. We were still not going to go anywhere in our relationship. The Holy Spirit reminded me it doesn't matter because even if you can't make it as a couple his relationship with Christ is the most important thing. Later that night he came and we finally began to talk, with weeping, affection and just honesty and love. (PTL!) I actually found myself grateful in the fact that although this whole thing he and done was wrong he wasn't physical with her and that mattered. (Trust me this is God because in my flesh I was not even okay with that) I an not saying it wasn't wrong just that the small things matter.

Monday was another day and he had gone all weekend without his work computer and (blackberry) connections I thought he would probably be getting moody and I was still scared about his contact, this girl after all works for him. Anyway, he kept talking and he said little things that gave me hope in him as well as the Lord. I knew the Lord was still growing that seed that he planted Sunday. He asked if I wanted to go to the store with him, he was kind, he was loving and of course gorgeous because when I see Christ in him he is awfully hard to resist. We spent more time throughout the day talking and crying and healing. (Beginning to heal we have a long way to go) When we got in the car to go to teh store there wasn't anymore discussions about how I can't or won't listen to "rock-n-roll" he found some of his favorite Christian CD's and played them. Then in the store I heard him humming some of those songs. I was so grateful to God again because this has been a major point of contention between us. Plus, I was remembering the man I fell in love with in everything he said and did. I told him Monday night to pray for me because accepting him going to work Tuesday would be painful, however, I reminded him it wasn't his job to get me through but that my security would come from the Lord. I asked him if he was going to tell me again in the morning like he has everyday since this started that he doesn't see any changes in us and he thinks it is hopeless although he is trying, he said no that he thought we are on the right path again and he felt good about it. He also, invited me to have lunch (YIPPEEE) see he told me when this began I could no longer come to his work it wasn't my place, so this was huge!!! I told him I would be honored, and on that we went to bed. (Another praise, I slept!!! I mean I really slept in the peace that God has been giving me it was great).

Tuesday he did take me to lunch, he then invited me to help him move into his new office, he told me he needed my help. (He hates that word, he says it is a four letter word) He came home and got me after work and we went back up there to get him organized like he wanted. He was so cute! I love how he looks at work. We had a great night only to be finished with a quiet time that he had earlier been reluctant to do. I couldn't believe it, he read the bible with me. The Lord is so good. Then, this morning for the first time in weeks he prayed with me, he didn't simply lay there and let me pray he actually started it and did it the way we always have before. It was incredible. I know we have a long way to go, but all of these little things I know will continue to add up to the big thing that brought us together in the beginning-- GOD! Also, back to our marriage! He had been calling me strike three (s3) to that girl and now he told her we are better and I am more like a homerun and he messed up, that they could no longer talk about anything other than business. Please continue to keep us in your prayers especially him because God needs to heal some old wounds in him so he can grow again.

So after all that let me say I actually have a point to all of this. We can be good in our spiritual walk or we can not be walking in the right spirit. If we aren't it will show and wear us down, eventually catching up to us. We can't have it both ways, it is God's way or not. This is the only area in life (I believe) that there is no gray it is black or white. If you are on a fence with a behavior, an attitude or choices bring it to God and he will carry you through and you will know his way is the only way! Keep praying but send up praises too!

hurry up!

2006-05-30T08:45:00.000-07:00

Here it is finally summer and now my son wants to hurry up. All year when school is in we do the hustle and bustle of its late, wake up, get dressed, you have to eat, come on lets get ready. Then, summer hits and the rush is off for at least 3 months and I am so excited, what happens? My son wakes up and says I am hungry, I want to eat can't you hurry and get up I need you to get up with me. He values the summer days because school wastes so many hours in his nine-year-old mind.
It caused me to reflect on is this what I do with God. I mean everyday of our lives are valuable, not just the bright shiny ones. As we travel through struggles and are learning the lessons God has for us and praying the prayers of defeat over Satan, we should be as excited about life as we are on the days that our kids graduate or get their liscenes's etc. Am I guilty of rushing through the lessons to see the sun? When I do am I missing the enjoyment of the clouds. Sure maturing in Christ is hard but we all know it is worth it, we all say so after the lesson is complete.
I am challenging myself this week to embrace everyday, (if you knew how much I am going through you would know this is like fear factor, the great race and survivor all wrapped in one package) still I am going to I am going to embrace it with the Lord so I can bear it for one, but value this too in order to be thankful for everyday in my life. Pray for me because this is a great challenge, but shouldn't we all look forward to the uncomfortable times because we know we are growing and maturing in Christ? I don't know maybe I am in denial, but I am going to try anyway. Have a great Tuesday!

already there

2006-05-29T14:57:00.000-07:00

I was reminded of some very important stuff this weekend and I can't wait to share. Let me start by sharing my story. As everyone out there in blogdom knows I have been struggling with my husband for several weeks. I found this weekend that he was having an internet relationship with a girl at work. Thankfully the Lord did reveal it before it went further.

Then Sunday he went to church with me and he said for me, but God was able to work in him. It didn't make much difference for him at first especially, but God was able to show me he was still in control even though my husband doesn't realize it. It was a renewed hope.

Then I was reminded that God has already prepared the door out of every storm we encounter. some storms last an hour, then a day even years at times, but the Lord has already won the battle and in every storm he is there and as the storm that Satan is pouring into our lifes the Holy Spirit is pouring out the covering and blessing that we are promised in the word. He is counter acting everything that we feel is killing us.

I know the storms will come but I know that every storm that will come in my life, God has given me and my husband and family a covering and we are already taken care of even when it seems like we are alone, I know God still loves us and we are going to be okay! Thank God for his faithfulness in a world where it seems that is the unheard of.

We have a long ways to go, but the door of communication is open and i know as a Christian it has to stop (his relationship) but I have laid it at the Lords feet and I am awaiting his command on what to do. I know that we must forgive and keep no account for wrong doing but I also know I am a precious child of God and I can't allow this to continue. Thankfully that long weekend has allowed him to see it too. I am scared, but I know my father is with me and I know I don't need to interfere with what he is doing. God is starting the healing process.

Please pray for both of us and the girls that felt this was okay. It was a mother daughter team and they have been trying for awhile he was weak and he got involved but God knows no one is innocent here. I pray the Lord to protect us, to reveal to us, to care for us, remind us of his love, mercy and forgiveness and we can offer it back. God thank you for who I am in you and please keep control of this situation!

Wrapped Up

2006-05-25T05:59:00.000-07:00

You know how when a baby is born we wrap them tight in their blankets because they feel secure like that after being in the womb for 9-months? Well, I wonder when that stops and that tightness becomes suffocating and it brings on panic. When does that change happen? What brings it on?
I don’t think I ever outgrew it. I don’t want to not be able to move, but I want to be held so tight in God’s hand that I never doubt that I am safe. I think the way I stay there is I go to Bible studies, quiet times, with friends, I hug people, go to church and I stay close to what he has for me. I feel like I am safe and secure there. Don’t get me wrong I am okay when I am alone, but I feel safest when I am alone with my Father in some way shape or form.
Still I think moving out of the will of God is because we feel like we are suffocating in his will. We get tired of doing right and feeling walked on, we think it is too hard, it isn’t fun or whatever. What we don’t see is that those things are the blanket that God is wrapping us in to protect us. Right along with that full-armor of God, it protects us.
My goal is to see God’s will as my protection not his controlling me or suffocating me. I want to be excited about what he has and stop looking for something better, because ladies and gentlemen God is as GOOD AS IT GETS! AMEN! I will be content today in my situation. I pray I can bring only honor and blessings to my family!

Gratitude

2006-05-24T05:27:00.000-07:00

I interpret in a class where Wednesday is gratitude day. Every week students had to write in their journals and tell 5 things they are thankful for and why. I think the teacher said it came from Oprah. So today I am doing gratitude.

1. I am thankful for my kids and how they bring sunshine to even the darkest times. Without them I am not sure how I would function in my flesh. They bring me growth and stretch me to what I think is beyond my ability and they are the most forgiving creatures on earth. I love those babies and I pray they reap the blessing that they sew into my life everyday I live.
2. I am thankful for summer. I love the sunshine and the way it is a feel good drug for me. I love the time with friends, family and just rest. I don’t rest a lot but the thought that I know I can is worth a million bucks. I love the way the sun makes me look, feel and shines. (I love shiny things)
3. I am thankful for my house. We worked very hard to get it. It isn’t a mansion but it is a home and I am so glad the Lord resides here. I am just happy to have a roof over my head, and the work I did to help get us here.
4. I am thankful for my quiet times. I feel close to God and to my career. I imagine how it must me like to always have that quiet. How peaceful and how amazing those minutes with God can make my day complete. I love my hubby but he doesn’t complete me anymore, Christ does. I want Kevin but more than that I want to be in God’s will. It also reminds me to thank God for the ability to read.
5. I am thankful for friends. I love that I have some I can call in times of crisis for advice and times I can call for a gripe session or to send praise reports up. I am thankful that these people touch my life everyday even when I don’t see them of talk to them. I am thankful that when I feel all-alone and I am with my friend Jesus he sends the person of the hours that will brighten my day.

That is a short list but I guess in case I do this again I should save some. Have a great Wednesday! Be blessed.

He is my sunshine!

2006-05-23T07:30:00.000-07:00

I got up this morning after a rather intense evening, arrived in the kitchen to a starving 10 year old boy and found the dirty dishes. UGH! I started rambling about how there is nothing and I mean nothing worse than waking up to dirty dishes...I wasn't yelling just making a statement.
Then his sweet voice (I call him my conscience because his timing is the same as I know the Lord's would be if he were walking on earth today) says to me, "Well, mom not really the worst thing what if you woke up to a tornado, or a horrible fire, or one of us gone missing?" He continue to list the numerous other things that definitely would have been worse then two silly pans. He always knows how to brighten the day. He touches my life everyday with his words, actions and attitudes.
If I think about having a beer, he walks in. If I start to yell his eyes well up with tears. If I yell he tells me I had been doing so good. See he really is here to make me aware. I love how God works through all of the tools he loans us here on earth to speak to us. It doesn't matter yoru shape, size, age he loves you and will use you.

What will God use you for today? Who is speaking into your life and are you listening?

Forgiveness

2006-05-22T06:33:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I did something I haven't done in a long time. I went to church and Bible study without my significant other. Sad to some degree yes, but bittersweet in a way as I learn to live alone until he is checked in again. I need God. I get teachings that I need at church. Not to mention the moral support. I have been readding tough love by Dobson and he says not to be mean but also not to cover for a spouse running from God. So I didn't when they asked I said he doesn't feel church is beneficial to him right now, nor is time with God. See he used to be a leader among the men at church they have great respect for him, and this didn't change it. It simply prompted everyone to pray for us, and who doesn't need prayer. I am a little scared of the outcome, because God will take away the things that are blocking Kevin from his time with the Lord and one of those things is work. The job that provides us comfort is also providing stress. Still, I would rather die poor knowing my husband is going to fall back into the covering of the Lord then have a house and things and know his soul became lost. Ugh! Ugly thought

So, when you don't want to go to church, your life is a total mess in the morning and everything that can go wrong does, in my world this means they have something for someone in our house that we HAVE to be there. I drudgingly go sometimes but we make it. Anyway, low and behold it was on forgiveness. Things I knew and I had heard, but things were said in a new way still I wasn't completely sure why we were there when someone had a word from God that made it clear. They said, "chose me now, don't wait don't become busy I am the way. I give you purpose and give you peace. Turn to the people who love you yes, but turn to me God for answers it won't be found in other busy work." Then if that wasn't enough another person had more words but too long to go into. Anyway, I realized my husband was suppose to be there. It is one of the many times he missed what God had for him adn because he can't receive anything from me now I decided not to share. I know God can get the message to him some other time or he will tell me to share.

The day continued and at Bible study people gave testimonies to things that needed to be forgiven in their lives and one was exactly what Kevin and I have been saying. It was our story. The sad thing was he wasn't there again. The good thing is that I heard it and I can find peace in it and use the part that was meant for me. My challenge is to go to him in love and peace in everything I say and do. Also, not to accept his leaving God but to encourage him when I see anything Godly he does. I will work on only pointing out the positive. At first, it may be quiet around here, but remember I am the one looking for small blessings so God will open my eyes to the good. Just the fact he is still coming home is a blessing right now. I pray his heart softens and he figures out what he needs (GOD). In the meantime, here are the top 5 things I love about my mate. In the midst of crisis we should all look for the good. After all they are easy to love in the good times and much more difficult in the bad but they are still our gifts from God.

1. I love the way he is a great listener.
2. I love how safe I feel in his arms, even when fighting.
3. I love the way he is responsible.
4. I love when he sings love songs to me! AMAZING!
5. I love that he is my God given mate and he is committed today!

Thank God for the little things help me to see the positive even in the things that drive me crazy.

There were other ways this could have been said come on we have all done it.

1. I wish he would talk more.
2. Because I know he isn't out sleeping around (harsh but true)

See we could see the negative but take today to put it in the positive it will make the whole world a better place.

try it again...things that make you go HMM?

2006-05-21T06:29:00.000-07:00

We recently bought a new puppy. He is a year old but only about 2 1/2 pounds. He is afraid of everything. We named him Samson (Hoping he would grow into it) He has a lot fo hair and I haven't cut it still he has no strength.
Then I have Furby she is an older dog who thinks she is as big as any dog in town, great danes are no exception (she is a Yorkie) still you start a vaccuum and that dog is out of here. Or the lawn mower send her crying to the back door. She appears to have no fear, then we find a weakness that she hides rather well.
Samson, however, he will chase the mower and the vaccum all day as long as he doesn't realize a person is the reason it is moving. He doesn't fear the machines he fears the operator.
Anyway, I do have a point actually, because watching these two the last couple days has been an eye opening moment with my father. I see my kids, Brittany will go with any stranger, Blake will play alone forever, but a stranger is out of the question.
I can jump out of a plane (after being told about cancer), bungee jump, rock climb and whatever other obstacle comes into my path, but the people in my life are what scare me. Turns out Samson and I have a lot in common.
God showed me that we all have fears. Different fears, some for a valid reason and some because of the unknown. For me that is what it is with people I don't know how they will respond so I am very friendly as long as you don't really want to KNOW me. My goal this summer is to start facing those fears because I think that to strengthen something that is causing me to become paralyzed will help me to grow stronger or at least trust my father to carry me through.
It will also help with all my past weeks of turmoil because God wants me to bring my hubby and I into his hands and leave us there. I know there is great risk because he will allow free will, but the rewards are great. He doesn't want to hurt me, that is why I wasn't afraid to jump at about 10,000 feet (we had a guest pilot that day.) I need to put my marriage into God's hands and the other things that I let stumble me, put on the parachute and jump trusting God with everything. Am I scared, yes, but I have friends and people in my life who have different fears and I above all have the Lord so although the fall could hurt (should the string not work) it could be some of the most beautiful things I ever see, when I finally quit screaming and just open my eyes.
I challenge everyone to face at least one fear you have this week. Take the ride of your life. A little secret about sky diving, after in all that clothing, inevitably you have to use the restroom, and the man strapped to me said, "Have no fear", when I asked why? he said, "your system locks up you will be fine until we land!" Off we went. It did by the way feel as if it locked up but when we landed everything returned to normal. So face that challenge, that thing that scares you and open your eyes, during the fall everything locks up and after it is normal but better than normal because you have the experience that some will only dream about!

Things that make you go HMMM!!

2006-05-21T06:28:00.000-07:00

weekends

2006-05-18T14:09:00.000-07:00

The weekends are the hardest, but I thank God I will be in his hands this weekend and he will be my strength. School is out now, next week maybe I can be more creative. I will ponder what God has for me in addition to the things I know.

Seasons

2006-05-17T05:52:00.000-07:00

I was thinking today what about the seasons remind me of God and my relationship with him.

Winter does because it is white and pure like Jesus. The diamonds that lay on top of a fresh fallen snow are beautiful, but nothing compared to what is will be like to see Jesus. He is so much more beautiful then even that, and that is enough to take my breath away. Sadly the snow can show me the negative part of my walk with Christ too. The part where I leave his side or try to take care of myself and it is cold and dreary outside. The snow represents struggles, each snowflake can be something different and when finished they can have devastating effect. They look pretty (sin is always fun or attractive or we wouldn’t fall) but they can stop us in our tracks if Jesus isn’t melting us a path for us to continue. I love winter but especially when I feel warm because of Christ’s love for me.

Spring of course all the new life, especially here in Oklahoma. There are foals on every corner it seems, baby skunks usually running occasionally unsuccessfully across the road, since all the babies. It keeps me thinking about what is still young in my life and what is maturing. It shows God’s loves us so much he brings future generations even to the animals. Sometimes the weather is so nice I lose my focus on the nice things in the spring, I love the weather so much, I forget how important it is to be responsible and continue moving forward and I get stagnant enjoying things as they are. Then the spring storms even tornado’s come in to wake me up and bring God back into the picture if I lost focus of him as I did time. Each thing in life has a season and usually within those seasons there are both good and bad happenings. Luckily all that new life in the spring reminds me of all God’s promises.

Summer is the warmth of God’s love. The sun is shining and it puts light on all the good and bad things in my life. There are bright colors and a lot of yard work. Still, I love the sun it reminds me of the warmth of his love and the “EXTREME” heat I feel when I am straying from his path. Sometimes it is so hot I know what the fire of hell might be like (or a inth of a degree) it gets really hot here in Oklahoma. I sweat it out at times just like paths that we travel in life, but I know I will be safe in the warmth of his love.

Fall is a time to shed the old and await for the new changes God brings. The leaves change then fall off. The old things in my life does that at various times. First the change happens like the color of the leaves and the color of the issues I am having. Then they mature and fall of to make room for what God plans for next year. It is cool, but not to cold it is a safe time to adapt to new situations and make changes.

Not all things happen in these seasons but just a reflection of how I compare life with the seasons. As long as we are growing we are still alive no matter what the season. However, if we chose to quit growing we are no longer living. We should challenge ourselves to a new season everyday.

Who am I

2006-05-16T05:25:00.000-07:00

My husband is going through that mid-life crisis thing. You know a man's answer to menopause. It hurts so very deep. It hurt so much that last week I lost all perspective. I decided my friend who died last summer had the right idea; she had it pretty good now. I remembered all the things the counselor told me about how I couldn’t stop it that is why she didn’t answer the phone that day when I called etc. I knew I had to be strong in order to do it. I had it all planned the right place, the right person to find me, no scars for the kids (yes I thought my death wouldn’t be a big deal as long as they didn’t see me that way).
Anyway, then I realized the man I love here on this earth more than any other “HUMAN BEING” was whom Satan was using to destroy me. He has said horrible things to me about mistakes I have made in the past. I used to really struggle with anger. Okay, some days I still do but God is working through it and how I handle it is so much more productive for everyone involved. He is so good. Still, my husband’s unpredictable mother treated him poorly. This anger made his in his mind think that I too am not dependable. I started feeling immense guilt about the hurt I caused him and it made me cry and beg but he just is withdrawing farther and farther for now. This bought me thoughts of suicide.
I thought I am so bad this man can’t love me. He doesn’t care how I feel, he doesn’t want me, and I have to change that. Thankfully a friend revealed I am acting like he is the only one who is worthy. God made me too and I too have value. That value is not based on who my husband is and it isn’t solely because I am some perfect woman. God created me to be who I am. He even knew I would have struggles with anger, he didn’t decide not to make me he decided to make me anyway. It has been a long time since I yelled like I used too, but the scars run deep. I hurt him and I am sorry but I am still a child of God and my love for myself is returning because of knowing who I am in the father.
I know that regardless what happens and how much it hurts, God is my father, my creator, and the peace in my life. He is my provider, my healer, and my lover. He is everything I am and I have ever been. So, should Kevin decide he can’t live with his scars and he is bound in that un-forgiveness I ask that God love him and heal him from the part I played in this but also to help me forgive me and turn my gray world to sky blue again. I want my marriage, but I want to show my God that I am proud of whom he made in spite of everything and I will do my best to be my best.
This wasn’t very clear but my point is that we are all what God planned for us to be. Maybe we haven’t found that calling or that perfect world, but we are what we are supposed to be and don’t let Satan rob that truth from you like I almost did. How would my healing testimony affect people if I had chosen to die that fateful day? God gives us worth not people on earth. Thank you Father for your love and faithfulness.

Just another manic monday

2006-05-15T13:59:00.000-07:00

This is going to be an interesting week. My husband of 11 ½ years went to Reno on business in the early part of Mother’s Day. When he leaves I text message him telling him I miss him and I dropped his mother a card off. We send a few messages back and forth, when he decides it is making him crazy.
He is actually frustrated because his flight was postponed, but as a wife I get the brunt of it. He leaves me, with a dishwasher full of dirty dishes (reminding me to thank God I have a dishwasher), all his dirty clothes in the hamper that I emptied last night by doing the laundry (reminding me to thank God I have a washing machine), he fixes breakfast pizza and leaves everything for me to clean (reminding me to thank God he can cook) and then when I send him what I plan to do this afternoon he sends me a list of things to pick up at the store for him. He is in the middle of a Mid-Life crisis I am sure, but it is finals week for my kids in school, I am doing it alone and this all is very frustrating.
So, as I sit down to ask God why all this is happening at the same time in my life, I remember I am not alone I have my father above, those two precious children he has loaned me and a counselor to help me out through these incredibly tough times. I am still a little miffed at what happened, but I am so thankful that God will be faithful and I continue to pray a hedge or protection around my marriage and my family. I am gonna make it I just wish it wasn’t so lonely in my flesh. Thankfully I still have God. Thanks for everyone’s prayers! Staying strong and organized until Wednesday at least.

my daughter is so good :0

2006-05-12T07:05:00.000-07:00

My blog is below but I wanted to attach this today too.

This poem is by my insightful 15-year-old daughter it was recently published and I just thought it was thought provoking and I wanted to share.

In One Moment

In one moment everything you’ve ever known can change into the unknown
In one moment things can happen that no one will be able to understand
In one moment people can take away your innocence
In one moment your whole world can come crashing down around you.
In one moment you could tell a lie that can cause part of someone else to die
In one moment romance can begin
In one moment a heart can be broken
In one moment millions of people can be killed
In one moment you can make your dreams come true
In one moment you can lose the only person who ever meant anything to you
In one moment someone can commit suicide without even thinking twice
In one moment you can save someone’s life
In one moment you can say something that you can never take back
In one moment you can shatter someone’s trust in you
In one moment you can make the biggest mistake of your life
In one moment you can make an everlasting memory
In one moment you can exceed expectations
In one moment you can find out what is waiting around the bend
In one moment you have to decide what your destiny will be because—
In one moment your whole life can come to a shocking end and you won’t be able to come back again.

For a season

2006-05-12T07:02:00.000-07:00

I have really had a downer week. I have analyzed so much I am thinking I need to change my job title. The problem is I am only counseling my multiple personalities (just a joke, I think). Oh wait I guess since I am trying to please my hubby and his many moods I am counseling his truly multiple personality disorder. In the past couple days people have asked me what I am willing to accept, how much I can tolerate before deciding to leave. I still don’t have the words for this, because I can’t stay in one thought long enough, and because there is no right answer (which is why I am not a philosopher) I need answers, even if they are wrong they are a place to start. Still, after so many asked I had to ponder in the short term what can I tolerate that won’t permanently harm my kids future by thinking this is normal. I say short term because long term is to far away right now.
Then it happened, I was remind by my loving father that this will pass, after all his promises say there is a time for everything and this to shall pass. Again I wish I had more details like when it passes will I be okay with what happens. I know I will because God loves me and I am his child and he is doing what is best for me. I can’t help but wonder though what if what is best for me isn’t best for Kevin or maybe the kids how can he give us an answer that works for all of us. I love my husband so much (the one I know him to be that is, not the rabid dog he is at the “fleeting” moment) and I can tolerate anything if it will better him in the outcome I have no doubt I am already becoming a better person because I am in so much pain I must be growing. Do you know cancer is better than relationships, because you can take a pill or a port and get better or go to heaven (the only way out is up) but with relationships there is no medicine. Although I must admit I thought about serving Zoloft as an appetizer tonight. I can’t believe I just said that. Then I remembered his problem is he already can name his feelings and this might be working against myself. Anyway, I love him and I didn’t get married to quit. This definitely is going to hurt me more than him, but for now I am sticking it out with the mercy from God above. Now I am not some saint by any means I just know that this too is a season and we were so good before if God is working to perfect us maybe this molding time we are going through will make us even better. I am holding onto that prayer. I am praying for revelation for him and me (bad grammar probably) and I am enduring one minute at a time. Thanks for everyone’s support.
Oh yeah that blessing I am finding everyday is coming in weird today, but one I found out just like when I had cancer I slept 80 hours a day, according to my son. I can also function on less then four in a week. I like it this way, because my house is getting cleaner every day. Sleep is seeming more and more like a waste of time. I am grateful I am continuing in the strength of the Lord like never before. I am thankful my husband didn’t die the other morning when he had his episode and that I have a husband I can love. Oh and I am soooo thankful for all of my amazing friends and family.

The colors in my world

2006-05-11T04:58:00.000-07:00

We have had so much rain lately in our lives it is amazing. Still it was easy for me to find the thing that is a blessing to me in the everyday mundane life. It is the “RAINBOW”. I have loved them since I was a little girl. Some people now days think it is a representation of gays or something, but for me it is a representation of a promise. The promise we won’t be flooded again. This opened up a thought for me. I am been flooded with tears so much these past few days I can’t eat, sleep, and even breathe right now. I paused today to see my rainbow. It is many colors just like the real one. My sister is purple (I know she likes green-but I didn’t call her yellow she will be happy to know). Anyway, she is purple because it brings brightness to my world when the rest is too dark. She knows my dark sides and she lets God work on those and yet she encourages me. She isn’t like red that is too bright at times because it wants me to feel what I don’t she is just bright enough and I can never decide when people ask me my favorite primary color I always choose Royal Blue or Red and purple is a combination of my two favorites.
The Yellow in my world is my son. He can brighten any room in the world. I call him my conscience but I love that about him because he keeps me on my toes and lightens any room he enters, without even knowing it is just like the sun it is what he does. Thank God for the sunshine.
Blue is my mom because she can make me feel cheery and bright but at times she can make me feel sad too. Blue does both these things depending on the shade, in sign language you actually sign the colors with the same sign in different manners to represent the blue that is there and that is how it is with my mom. You know what though I know she loves me and I will always know that. She is sometimes tough like denim, or cheery like royal blue or light blue when she is disappointed with something. I love her. She is an awesome mom who always did the best she could with all she had I only hope my kids think I am as good as her when I go.
Red would have to be my friend Cristi. She cheers me without even trying. Sometimes I bleed for more time with her and she can’t provide it but the time she gives is always uplifting. She loves me through the struggles and reminds me of Christ’s blood and how I should remember it and what it means to me. She always loves pink a lighter shade of red. This is the gentleness in her and the way she presents the information. She is busy like red and wants me to feel good when I can, but understands when I don’t as well. She understands my desire to feel this bright and uplift like this and yet knows why sometimes I can’t.
Green would have to be my daughter. Wow! She is not a green in anyway that you might think of the color. She is fresh though. She is like the new growth in spring. Always coming up with a way to change the ideas in the room. Not afraid to stand up for what she believes as long as I am not looking over her shoulder. She is green with envy when she tells my sister how beautiful she thought I was as a child and yet I don’t see it she is far more beautiful then me. Someday when she finishes maturing I hope she sees the beauty of her greenness. That sounds weird but green has a language of it’s own and so does B (that’s what we call her) it is beautiful when no one thinks it can be, it is dark with judgment whether it is judging herself (not in a bad way, but you know what I mean) she knows what she wants in life and although it hurts when people don’t believe in her she shines bright like the yellow in her own way, cheery like red because of her smile, silly like blue when she is unpredictable, but a combination of all good like purple.
So as my marriage is falling apart at the moment or so it seems I am grateful for the rainbow of support I have in life. I love them all for their uniqueness and how well they blend when together. I hate that I am in pain but I am glad I see the things I have to love and be grateful for. Thanks you God for giving me the rainbow to make my day shine even if it is a dark thunderstorm.
Okay, so I think I win the book of Guinness world records for the longest post but I had too. Not funny, just real. So go out and have a Real Day! Be happy with who you are even if the world wants to change you. You are exactly who God created you to be! See you all tomorrow or because I am feeling inspired maybe later today!!! For now Good-bye Blogdom!

Another Day

2006-05-10T13:57:00.000-07:00

My home life has been crazy. Then God kindly pointed out to me (through
a friend) that it is easy to look to others to meet our needs. Still
just like I would do anything to protect my kids or my marriage and I
get jealous (I know not Godly) still I do when women try to trap my
family I drop in and let them no its not allowed.
God is also a jealous God. Not in a fleshly way or a bad way but he
will do whatever he needs to in order to get us to refocus on him. I'm
not sure if I completely lost focus but I do know it never hurts to go
to him more in a day or spend more time with him. So in the midst of
the tears, occassional insane laughter and stress I'm trying to not
stray but focus on him.
My blessing for today is that my family is here for me even when we
don't get along; also, when my son came to me yesterday and said, "mom
tomorrow is another new day and it might even be better. I love you and
will see you in the morning." He made me smile when all I could feel was
numb. Thank you God for the gift of my kids and family. I may not
understand them always but I love them just the same and I'm grateful
you picked us to go together.
Michelle

Love truly is blind...what's up with that?

2006-05-09T14:11:00.000-07:00

You know we've all heard that cliche love is blind. Recently because
of the disagreement with my husband I know there are many meanings to
that. I mean when new lovers hurt us we can't see it, when a baby is
becoming spoiled it isn't worth stressing over we are blind to it.
Then there is the thought of when someone loves you so much they want
to take care of you and you think its control not love. You are blind
to that love. We think it can't be simply because they care for us we
are blind to the love they feel for us.
Still yet, there is Gods love and blessings that happen everyday in
our life. We say we love God and that we know he's good but we close
our eyes to the loving people he places in our lives, the hurdles that
are to teach us through his love. We call them trials and problems,
stree etc. Still, God is a loving God I am working on seeing his love
in the tough times now too. I challenge you the next time you face a
trial seek out the love it is occurring through. Maybe that trial is
really a loving gesture, from God, husbands, wives, or kids. Maybe
being late really is better because of traffic then being that first guy
in a hurry that crashed and died because he was hurrying and we were
spared the death, but written up for being late which is better. I hope
my perspective for the rest of the week is love and loving gifts and I
am going to try to blog at least one I notice everyday.
Today's love came when I was hedging and lost my balance. I cut my
body with tree branches, sprained my wrist on the brick wall, but God
spared my limbs (arms you know I need those for my interpreting dream)and as a loving gesture and lesson my husband saw me go to the doctor simply because I love him a lesson he couldn't hear until he was in my place. I still don't know if he heard it but at least I did the right thing.

Trying to Understand

2006-05-08T13:51:00.000-07:00

This last week my husband who generally is very sweet, just quiet, had oral surgery. Apparently when they removed his impacted wisdon teeth they removed his wisdom with it...I can't believe I said that. Anyway, this was on Wednesday then thursday I woke up and he sat down to talk to me. this was after 5-7 inches of rain flooded our area and neighbors houses (it fell in 1 1/2 hours)scaring my son and bringing him into bed with me (since Kevin was sleeping in a chair sitting up) anyway later he returned to talk and lay down when he fell back into what I believed to be either a heart attack as I thought he was dying in my arms gasping for air etc. Or a seizure. Guess what, we still don't know because he refused to go to teh doctor when he came too. Although I am now sure it wa a seizure.
Many things he said following that event, he denies saying. Although, they were hurtful and I know he said them. It is like he doesn't remember. All of that I could have lived with but because I forced him to ride with me to his work that he insisted on going too. I was crying because I wanted him to go home and rest but he refused calling me his mommy that drove him to work etc. It just got worse to where we couldn't even talk anymore. After all of this, I asked what are you saying do you not want to be married to me because I loved you so much I wanted you to seek medical help? His reply was simply, "I don't know."
Well naturally we went to counseling through the church, and they said I have to learn to let my husband be turned over to God. Him going to the doctor was up to him not me. I can see that to some degree, but I didn't feel he was in his right mind. Does the bible not also say that he is supposed to lay down his life for his wife like Christ did the church? Not to mention I feel like he showed my son it is okay no matter how upset your wife is to deny her what she is asking of you. It isn't like I was asking him to take the day off and have a lazy day (although the doctor did tell him to do that) I wanted him simply to go to the doctor and let them decide what happened. I love this man so much. I wanted him to take care of himself. I went to years and years of chemo, transfusions, hyperthermia (a blood treatment) and so on to fight my cancer and be here for him and yet he is not sure he wants to be married to me because I wanted him to go to the doctor? What do I do, how can I understand this? I am leaning on God's understanding but as a wife I can't force him to stay if I can't get him to go to the doctor how can I convince him he wants to be married? Marriage wasn't invented so we could just quit when it didn't feel right it was invented to have companionship here on earth until death do us part. I am hurting and confused and I feel empty. If you have words of wisdom feel free to share, otherwise thanks for listening to my really depressing blog!

Tagged answers

2006-05-01T14:44:00.000-07:00

I AM a leader and motivating child of God

I hope this is how I was supposed to answer!
I am who God says I am.

I want my husband learn how to chat!

I wish I’d win justice for all

I hate meaness in people.

I miss my kids being little.

I hear the computer noises.

I wonder if I will ever get my next level in Interpreting.

I regret yelling in anger.

I am not finished with life today.

I dance but only to country.

I sing whatever lifts my spirits for the moment!

I cry frequently but my ocunselor says this is good and better than anger by far.

I am not confident.

I make with my hands conversation!

I write letter as much as I can.

I confuse myself often, but it has taught me to laugh at myself too.

I need a time-out once a week but I get it about once a month.

I should pursue my destiny but I am not sure I have the energy anymore.

I start communication whenever I have an opportunity.

I finish work related tasks to feel completed.

Happy Monday!

Dream Giver addition

2006-04-27T05:31:00.000-07:00

I started that post last night but I finished it this morning after I had what I wanted to say clear. If you have the chance go get that book, its a keeper. :) Have a great Thursday everyone in blog world I know I will. It's a great day to be alive.

Dream Giver

2006-04-26T17:55:00.000-07:00

I was looking back over this amazing book and decide to blog about it today. I don't know if you have ever read it but if you haven't do it is life changing. I didn't always know what God wanted for my life and after I found it I thought okay it is smooth sailing from here on. Then I read this book and it is smoothe sailing but like I said yesterday his plans are bigger than mine. He continues to change and adapt what I am to do with this purpose he's given me here on earth and I am always amazed.
It talks about how just maybe if we don't do what we are supposed to on earth maybe it won't get done in the way it would have had we not gotten content. I mean like I love what I do, my job serves a purpose, I am moving forward with other rising opportunities and so I sometimes tend to relax or even maybe get lazy. Whenever I perk up and focus God moves my dream or purpose along a little farther and it gets a little bigger and often more challenging. UGH! However, the blessings that come from it get bigger as well. Not neccessarily me being blessed (although I am) but the people who I touch when God had led me there. It always shows how you meet up with the people who were doing what you will continue to do after they have gone. You know kind of like our elders. This person or persons that we meet maybe has advice on things we have or will encounter and a new way of seeing it. Not to mention becoming an elder in experiences to pass on as well.
Here is an example, I went to my son's school to teach them a little about Deaf Culture and some sign language as well. I went there just wanting to educate them and not have them afraid if they encounter a deaf person which they will in our school district. Well, it went well the kids learned, asked great questions, taught me a little and it was a great day. Then almost a year later a little girl comes up to me and asks if I can help her learn a little sign and she wanted books about it for Christmas and I don't know if she will ever become an interpreter but I know that with her interest a deaf person and maybe hearing people will be touched by her life. What I did to educate someone has possible watered a seed that God has placed in them. It was amazing I would have never dreamed that would happen. Now when we pass I always teach her a new sign and we can talk in the halls of school. It is God in the works.
The book also talks about some not to pleasurable experience they refer to as Border Bullies. These are the people or obstacles in our life that are set up to make us stumble no matter how unintentional. They can be friends, parents, strangers or anything but you will know who they are in your life if you read it when it gives the descriptions.
I don't want to give away the end but I will say it taught me what I had to do in order for God's plan to excel in my life and what my perspective had to be in order to be successful. I have a long way to go but I am finally moving again out of the desert.
So,let the Dreams Begin to be all that you Dream God don't be limited by my perspective.

God Works Fast

2006-04-26T14:17:00.000-07:00

Today was incredible. An answer to prayer, through the little ones at the elementary school. Just yesterday I was talking about how we all need to be bold and stand up for God and then today at my son's school they had to do a thing called "Penny Arcade" and they tell about the person who inspires them or their heros something to that effect. There were many people both old and young represented there. Including people like Rosa Parks, Dr. Phil etc. The kids pretend like they are that person, dress like them, and then tell who they are through research about that person, and then they bring props as well etc.
Here is the amazing part. Two kids chose to be Jesus. One was a girl and she actually was an angel who told us about who Jesus was and about the resurrection and the other was a boy who took on that role. You pay a penny to a cup and the give you the short biography. I stopped in wonderment at WOW, the school is allowing these kids to talk about Jesus to anyone who wants to hear and even at all in this crazy time.
More then that, I stopped and looked around and no offense, but no one was there acting like Allah or Joseph Smith, Buddha or any of the other religios icons, but Jesus!!! How wonderful.
I guess even better than talking about and standing up for Christ in schools, is our next generation our future of prophets, healers, etc. are doing it for themselves. (If you give a man a fish he eats for a day if you teach him he will eat for a lifetime) Parents are teaching their kids to be bold in their beliefs, and encouraging 8 year old kids (in the case) to talk about Jesus. I was so excited and grateful about how quickly God is beginning to answer my prayers, or maybe lighten my load knowing that it is happening and I can do my part, but not stress over others because God has it all under control. Yes, I sometimes forget that. I know it in my head but my heart won't let things go and just listen.
This is just one more case that God is showing me that my prayers are good but he wants even more than that for me and limiting him and his control only hurts me. I always know when his will is at work things are gonna happen and it will be bigger than I ever imagined. Thank you God for showing me what I needed to see, giving me peace in my heart and a goal in my home!

Speak Out!

2006-04-25T15:44:00.000-07:00

Why is it if we were in church and God gave us a world we would speak up in front of everyone to spread God's news, yet when they ask us not to pray in schools we just concede. Why can't Christians be kind and gracious and still be bold? Maybe other people do and have it mastered and this year I am improving but this is so on my heart. We have to quit sitting back afraid to make a wave, therefore we don't even make a ripple. This started this year when my daughter was told she had to argue Creationism without using the words "Creator, God, Our Maker, etc" you get the idea. I started arguing with the teacher and I said had I known you were starting this unit I would have said it was against my religion to do it, like every other nationality and religion gets to do. As a Christian I think I should have the right to be offended (for lack of better words) and not allow my child to study this evolution. I was amazed at the emails and responses I got and in the end she was allowed to argue it and her argument was good. Did she win? No because God isn't science and this was a science class so she couldn't win. I told her if it happens again she needs to argue evolution via the Bible. Things adapt yes but I am not a Monkeys Uncle or Aunt for that matter and I don't want my kids being told they are, and worse that it is a fact. UGH! We have got to stand up and fight for the Christian rights in schools, buses, public places we were founded on this here in this country it is time we give credit where credit is due!
Just a soap box I climbed on today because I feel like too often I am convinced by myself and others that if I am a "good Christian" I won't cause problems and the Lord is showing me talking about him isn't the problem it is when we don't that the problems start and worsen. So let's all speak up and fight for the God who we believe in and who believes in us!
Speak OUT! Kindly yes but firmly too!

When to say no!

2006-04-24T14:12:00.000-07:00

Another Monday and a million things to do. You ever have one of those years or lives rather where you know you are too busy to do it and your head says no, but dang that mouth for saying sure what time do you need me? That is my story. I was off today to set up a local art show that I volunteered for and if I wasn't working part-time I would love to do but I do work and I really wanted the day off for me. This entire week is crazy.
I was a stay at home mom for 12 years the crazy thing was I decided stay at home mom was an oxymoron because I was never home. Now I think my goal is to do that again for awhile hoping to have a little free time and save on gas etc and just do my job on a subbing basis. However, I have to learn to get my nouth and head on the same page and say no sometimes.
The day did go smooth and the girls I worked with are all Christians making it an enjoyable 8 hours (yes you heard me right 8 hours) just to set it up. However, I came home to a house with more work to do and I feel so overwhelmed I can't figure out where to start. There is so much to do and I don't think I am managing my time well. I can't even remember if I cancelled a doctors appointment. I have that ADD brought on by children email I am sure you have all read. Okay so where am I going with all this. HMMM...I know I had a goal in mind.
Oh yes for my life to slow down I pray I can find that even keel place where I am still and hear what it is God wants me to do instead of trying to be everyone's angel to the rescue. I know when I slow down I think and I feel and I work better but I always forget to put that on the things to do list. So tell me how do you all manage to do it? You know manage a house, a career, a blog, friendships, and just life in general not to mention the driving of children, school volunteer work and still stop and listen. I have quiet time like I know I NEED! Still I am not sure I am being disciplined like God would have me to be. There has to be a way to make this all work and still feel rested. Sometimes I think I stay this busy to avoid the things I should deal with. You know that down time I talked about the other day. I am afraid if I sit still I will find out something else needs me or maybe someone else and what if I can't fit them in too? I am not worrying because I don't have time, but you get the idea. I need to get organized and set priorities how does everyone else do it? Give me ideas and I will try it because my way is making me weary. I love that everyone gets what they need at the end of the day but I think I forgot I have needs as well.
That is why I don't right here often I feel like such a downer especially lately I want to lift people up not pull them down. I really am upbeat but I don't sound like it hopefully over the next few weeks as school lets out I will be the normal me, but still I will need this advice so fill me in if you have a verse, an idea or some way to slow down I would love to hear it.
Happy day!

weekends

2006-04-23T07:27:00.000-07:00

Interesting how my sister who fervently asks me if I blogged this week never shows on the weekend when I have the easiest time to blog and the most to blog about usually.
It is Sunday morning and I remember as a kid how Satan was always on the prowl on Sunday mornings seeing which person or obstacle he could use as his tool. I decided when I grew up and really even more over the past 2 years that I wil not be that tool. I won't be yelling and hurting people on the way to church or on the way home. I will use this day for my family since we are all God's children.
We get up early get ready, go to breakfast and go to church and I love how I feel on this day. I always say Friday is my favorite day and in many ways it is but Sunday's are wonderful as well (too bad Monday follows). I think this week is going to be a good one. As the school year is coming to an end soon and I have so many things to do, I pray that I am only God's tool and never even a broken tool for Satan. I hope that when he looks at me he says, "what a waste she doesn't ever fall for the traps I set." I also pray he knows it isn't my strength that keeps me from it but from the promises God gave me that make me useless in the evil realm and courageous in the the spiritual realm. I want to model for my kids so they never know those awful Sunday mornings when Satan controlled even our God set time. Please Lord help me see the good in the bad that he tried to set. Don't let me fall and if I do help me up so I don't stay down. AMEN!

Small world

2006-04-22T17:17:00.000-07:00

I was in touch with an old friend last night. Well, really my friend was her sister but she died this last summer and so I talk to her sister often now. She was the little sister who always told on us. interesting we never learned though because we did stuff in front of her knowing she would tell. HA! Reminds me of my crazy kids.
I want to share the story because I guess I need to put it in writing to pass through some of it maybe. This girl and I were friends since grade two or three it has been so long I can't really remember exactly. We lost contact after I moved from Colorado still God's hand was in it one day and when walking out of a conventient store in my new town she was there and saw me and the conversatoins began again. We were friends through the birth of our children, marital troubles etc. She was one of those people I didn't talk to everyday but when we chatted it was like we had talked yesterday.
Her husband suffered from alcoholism and on Memorial day he killed himself they ruled it an accident because there was so much alcohol in his system they said they can't be sure he meant to do all those drugs. however, he had recently been in a mental health institution that he set himself on fire in and so the family believed it was suicide. I don't know what I think he was selfish I think if he knew he was going to die he would have done it in her driveway so get revenge. Revenge for what? Well she was working with AA who said when he was drunk he couldn't stay with her so she sent him away that fateful day when he came by because he was drunk he looked at their 14 year old son and said this is the last time you will see me alive. Something he said frequently in his drunken stupers. She kept saying she was going to divorce him she couldn't handle it, he was tearing her up but she knew the reason she felt this was because she still loved him. Then last year on Memorial day he died.
Now my friend had tremendous guilt, along with health problems that she was takng various pain pills herself (unbeknown to me) I knew she took them on occasion I did not know that she was also addicted, along with Mariuana (sp) then the doctors gave her more things to help her sleep and wake up etc. After all that she and her son were going through her mom ended up in the hospital with what they thought was cancer. I talked with her on the pohne and told her I was here for her, I fought cancer myself and I knew that things can happen and it was probably treatable and just wait. Her mom was unconscious for days but did come out of it and it wasn't cancer it was virus or something like that. In the meantime the was about 6 weeks after her husbands death she was very depressed. I told her I would call her after my families 50th wedding anniversary. I started to call her on Sunday but decided to wait I guess because I didn't want to be interupted by the kids in the car etc. I really don't know but I called her all day on Monday and never got an answer. Then that afternoon I got my state results on my interpreting exam and my level didn't go up (very depressing) and the day passed by I tried to call to cry to her and talk to her but never could reach her.
The next morning my parents called my husband to tell him that her mother was fine now and home from the hospital I felt a lot of relief. However we play this game I have good news and bad news like...the good news is we have an Ark the bad news is the world is going to flood. You get the idea, well if her mom being home was the good news what was the bad news it ( I thought it is worse than cancer) and I was told then that she had shot herself in the head. She died almost instantly which was why I couldn't reach her she did this Sunday night. Two adults left a 14 year old son with no one (well he had his aunt and grandmom but he wanted a parent). I quickly realized my test was nothing. I cried for about 6 months off and on, my life went on because it has too and I know new my father in heaven would bring me peace. The peace is sometimes like a balloon I let go of like right now as I approach her one year of death and the little sister who told on us calls to tell me how much she misses her. The boy ran away and is in a boys home now.
Well here is the upbeat part of the story I told my other friend that she had to get her alcoholic husband help to save herself, him and the kids. She confronted him and although it is a daily battle he is trying most the time. It is better then before and that boy is in a home in the same state as that girl and she works in a different home but has many Christian connections where he is and I know his live will get better. His story is already helping others and God brought all of us together in this great big world. First it tells me how good he is and second it tells me how small this great big world is.
I am sad today, but I know that the Joy comes in the morning. PTL! I hope teling someone on here about this story they will know suicide isn't the answer and that if they want to you only have to remember the joy will come in the morning so start looking for it now and hole on to that balloon of hope that carries you over these tough times because letting go of it you will fall and although God catches us the people left here feel your fall. Everyone has someone to love them if we will only ask. Sorry for the sad story but hopefully it will speak to who it is meant too.

God Can you hear me now?!

2006-04-12T14:40:00.000-07:00

I am having one of those weeks where I wonder if God can even hear me. I would probably know if I would be still and listen for him, but it seems like when I need to be still the most I have the most difficulty doing it. I have been fighting for one of my kids rights all week at school. I lost one of the battles and you always have to wonder will they still treat her right? I have been asking God to give me peace or reveal why I shouldn't have it so I can deal with things I need too but I just don't think I have a response.
I know God is good and he loves the kids even more than me. I also know he has intrusted me with them and wants me to train them and protect them and raise them to be believers true. It is so hard to not be able to stop their pain especially when they are going the right way, it is just the wrong people are seeing it. I don't understand why teachers need to tear down students in order to build themselves up. I don't want to understand it I want to change it. I have these great plans and dreams and yet I feel like sometimes they are just that..."DREAMS!" How can one person change the world.
I know Jesus did and has and still is, but why is what to do so hard to answer? I know this thing is a downer today but I fel down I feel like the harder I try the worse I make things. I feel good about the way I handle something (well God handles it through me) then I begin to doubt it all. I am so glad he is still God on the good and bad days because I sure need a friend and I am glad I have him.
So I will wait and wonder...God can you hear me now??? What do I do next?

What a day!

2006-03-30T13:18:00.000-08:00

Why is it that our kids do so well and as soon as they think you are going to tell someone something positive or just after you do they do the exact opposite of what we were praising them for? I know it is God's great sense of humor. Funny how I find it very difficult to laugh at that moment. I still love them of course I just begin to feel frustrated and exhausted.
This is when God reminds me they are here for his purpose and not mine no matter what my judgmental world around me thinks. I know I still have to teach them right from wrong and sadly punish them when they do wrong, but their outcome is out of my hands. I have started to turn them and their "issues" over to God everyday sinec I tend to pick them back up out of his to do box in the afternoon when they are having "their moments". I do give it back each day. God gently whispers in my ear remember me the one in control of those kids I LOANED you. I trust you to teach them my ways but what they do adn become will be up to that free will I gave them. I will guide them and it may be easier to allow that if you will remember that I am the only one who loves those kids more than you. Still I find myself frustrated when they mess up.
My kids really are good kids. They don't have any really big problems thanks to God's control. They are not on drugs, pregnant, prostitutes or even sexually active at this point. I am proud of those choices they have made. Still getting one to do homework is a stress and the other one does it easier but doesn't give it to the teachers. I don't get it. My friend swears that last one will become a missionary because she has bigger concerns than school work. She is compassionate and great with real life issues. She is a writer for sure. I am definitely her biggest fan here. Even when she does this my folks say wow is she depressed? They don't appreciate poetry or free will as far as that goes.
I guess I am off on a tangent because all I really wanted to say was isn't it great how God loves our kids even when we find them seriously frustrating and tiring?! There is a peace there that I wish I could or would choose to stay in everyday that I live. I will do the teaching and Know that I KNOW God will do the guiding more than me and I will have peace in their choices knowing they are a gift and I am doing my best with God's blessings.

I am so confused

2006-03-29T19:14:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I started this weeks ago and never posted again then tonight I posted on the other blog I set up because I couldn't get into this one. I am a complete nut so my deep thoughts for today are on my other site this will be short. I will continue here from this point forward. As long as I can log on again. Life is so crazy.
It is late at least for people my age and I am exhausted. The 15 1/2 year old who has abundant energy unless I need her help and the equally guilty 9 year old who has the same disease have warn me ragged the last few days, and the sad part was I didn't even see them much do to a trip for testing. They are good kids but even good kids can wear us down.
God has taught me so many things recently and although he uses them as toold quite frequently he is drawing me in right now all by myself. I mean I think they are part of it because I hope my reflection of what I am learning is blessing them as much as it does me.
I think I have heard the Lord more lately then I have in my entire life. Maybe it is because I am listening more but I love the things that are happening in my life right now. God has healed me of both physical and mental ailments and I like the person I am becoming. My husband asked me the other day what it was I was talking about and what God is teaching me, man I bet he never dreamed we were going to have a 3 hour conversation and I would end it with that is just a smidgen of it. I don't know what he heard and what he didn't but I know the attitude God is giving me is blessing him because I see it in the way he looks at me.
Weird to think of what causes us to start growing again when we never realized we stopped. You know we all get those emails about having girlfriends even though we have family is key to our lives. I knew that and for more reasons then those emails can even touch, still I wasn't nuturing my life long friends as much as I was the newest group. I didn't think it was wrong but last July I had a wake up call I had recently been talking to a friend from elementary school I thought she was talking to me (see her hubby had died from a alcohol/drug overdose which was believed to be self-inflicted) she had a lot of stress but seemed to be handling it better then I thought I ever would. I was wrong I was trying to reach her to check on her again one day and the next day I found out all those calls went unanswered for a reason she had shot herself. A part of me died that day with her. Not guilt but sadness for how empty her world was and that I didn't hear it in her voice. I decided that day I would reunite with any and all of my friends that had fallen by the wayside. Especially since I thought she was one of the stronger people I knew. WOW!
Since then I started talking to a girl who knew the immature me, before marriage, divorce, cancer, kids and marriage again. She reveals things about me that I don't even remember some aren't pretty I promise but they have also been a part of what the lord has been using to develop my new character. I have so much enjoyed our chats about old times and new times and plans for future times. I used to be so jealous of her now I realize it was because she was becoming the person I wanted to be only before me. Sounds weird I know, but she was developing character and family and all of that and I couldn't keep up. I didn't realize God wanted me in a different place. Now we chat and we are in almost the same place in different ways and we have made a grown up connnection I am so grateful for her friendship. I have spent time with all my friends and I will do my best to make sure they know they are loved everyday. God can use me in those lives anyway he wants. I love my family but I also love the people outside my family.
My growth for today was to see what God has for me truly is bigger than I ever imagined. I had been limiting him with my prayers and I won't do it anymore. I still have bad and immature days but now God reveals them and manages to teach me a little every day. He is so good!

love to chat

2006-03-06T15:55:00.000-08:00

love to chat
I am new at this, but I have a goal in mind and that is to grow me and my family. To love one another even and especially on the tough days. I want to speak wisdom in their life and learn from them as well. I believe they have a purpose in this world and so do I and I can't wait until everyone of us finds our place; or makes our place in the world. I am doing these blogs because my sister encouraged me, I sure I hope I can figure it out after I log out today. I am not sure why she thought I should she is the gifted speaker and writer I am the listener, but I guess I can listen through others thoughts. Wish me luck!