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Focus Focus Focus... Not my strong point. Instead I enjoy life regardless of my focus.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Wednesday

I am taking control of my life again and let me tell you it isn't pretty. I am not even talking about the 50 plus pounds I am going to lose. I am talking about how it seems I have either lost sight of God's plans for me or I have such a good look it seems too much to bear giving me the desire to get out while the getting is good.

Here are the things I did only work two days this week and I am walking the track with my son at lunch getting us both in better shape. I know God put kevin and I together and I have to believe in Jer 29:11 and know that I want Kevin back but God knows what is best for us both and he loves us both so it is possible for now I can't have him back. I mean we are still married and saying divorce isn't an option but it isn't a happy place when he is here. I am happy because I am with him and he hates that I guess he feels responsible for me or something. Who knows and frankly I don't care so it is a good thing God does because he is shutting every other thing and person out. I know my goal as a wife is to please my father and the things I do have to be based in that. I am to be a loving wife, but I also have to stay in God's will and the things Kevin wants right now aren't there or even close. I have to follow my God and not his confusion. I am sad for him and it is so hard to be nice when he is a jerk, but I know when I am I am a joy to my father and I must stay in that. Remembering that all I do on earth is for God, not me not Kevin and not anyone else. This is very difficult for me, but I am doing it every day. Not in every task most likely but a little more each day and maturing in his love.

I have lost sight of my dreams and stuff right now but I think this tragedy is bringing me closer to the kids every day. I know this isn't even close to over and sometimes trials go on for years but with the love of God I will make it through one way or another. Please pray for Friday we have marriage counseling and I have to tell her about his threats of suicide and his comments. I know this will upset him but I lost one friend because no one spoke of her silly thoughts and I won't lose my husband to death. If he leaves me I guess I will survive but I won't live with his death on my shoulders because I thought he would be fine. Nothing is at it seems and not telling seems like my worst enemy right now. I am scared, he could lose his job, he will probably leave me at least for a little while, they could hospitalize him making our income nill, but I can't let him kill himself because of my selfish fears. God protect us and help him to be real Friday. I am patiently awaiting his touch in my married life.

Thanks everyone. By the way it was a tumor but it is not malignant this time! PTL!

5 Comments:

  • At 10:18 AM, Blogger Praying for your Prodigal said…

    You go girl!!!!

    Diane

     
  • At 9:08 PM, Blogger sarah said…

    I'll be praying for you. Praise God for the tumore being benign. I will pray that the Lord will strengthen, comfort, and lead you through all of this.

     
  • At 9:42 AM, Blogger the voice said…

    Still praying for you, that God will work in your marriage.Remember though, marriage is not about a piece of paper, it is about a committment, made before God. If your husband is not committed to you, he has already divorced you in the eyes of the Lord. It sounds kind of depressing and sad, yet enables you to recognize, and make, whatever decision you need to. May God bless you and keep you in His hands. Ken

     
  • At 11:33 PM, Blogger sarah said…

    I am praying for you, that the LIGHT of God's live will shine upon you today, bringing light into every dark place and silencing every lie of the Enemy. You are greatly loved.

     
  • At 9:50 AM, Blogger Praying for your Prodigal said…

    Sending you a ROSE today--see my post today for further clarification. Way to set your eyes on the goal...

    Diane

     

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